Emotion regulation in relationships, work and parenting

Emotions do not happen in a vacuum. How you handle your feelings affects the people around you, and their feelings affect you. People often turn to others to help them calm down, cheer up or make sense of what they feel.¹

This page looks at emotion regulation in three places where it matters most: close relationships, work and parenting. Each section ends with practical steps you can try this week.

Feelings are shared: co-regulation

Researchers use the term interpersonal emotion regulation for the ways people shape each other's feelings. Venting to a friend, getting a hug or helping someone see the funny side are all examples.¹

The body responds to close connection. In one brain imaging study, married women faced the threat of an electric shock. When they held their husband's hand, their brains showed much less threat response. A stranger's hand helped a little. The happier the marriage, the bigger the calming effect.²

Co-regulation goes both ways. When you are calm, you help the people around you settle. When you are flooded, that can spread too.

In close relationships

Conflict

All couples argue. What matters is how. In a classic study, couples were observed talking about problems and then followed for four years. Couples who expressed more negative emotion and defensiveness during conflict had lower satisfaction, poorer health, and a higher risk of separating.³

Hiding your feelings is not the answer either. In experiments, people told to keep a blank face during an upsetting talk felt worse, and both they and their partners had bigger blood pressure responses. Hiding feelings also lowered rapport.⁴ People who often hide their feelings tend to have weaker relationships, while people who often rethink situations tend to get along better with others.⁵

Steps for calmer conflict

1. Know your early signs. A hot face, clenched jaw or racing heart means it is time to slow down.⁶
2. Take a break if you need one, and say when you will come back. "I'm getting too upset. Can we talk again after dinner?"⁶
3. Listen before you answer. Try to repeat back what you heard before giving your side.⁶
4. Talk about yourself, not the other person's character. "I felt hurt when plans changed" lands better than "You never think of me."
5. Drop "always" and "never." These words make the other person defensive and are rarely true.⁶
6. Look for one thing you can agree on before tackling the rest.

Repair after a blow-up

Every relationship has rough moments. What builds trust is coming back to repair.

• Wait until you are both calm.
• Own your part in a specific way: "I raised my voice and called you selfish. That wasn't fair."
• Listen to how it felt for the other person without defending yourself.
• Agree on one thing you will each try next time, such as calling a break sooner.

If arguments often turn frightening, or someone is being hurt, this is not a communication problem. It is a safety problem. Call 911 in an emergency, and see Get help now and warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Being a calming presence

You can help someone you love regulate without fixing their problem:

• Lower your voice and slow down.
• Name what you see: "You seem really worried."
• Validate: "That makes sense, given what happened."
• Offer comfort they welcome, such as a hand to hold.²
• Ask, "Do you want advice, or do you want me to just listen?"

DBT's interpersonal effectiveness skills teach how to ask for what you need while keeping self-respect and the relationship. See also healthy boundaries and our communication style quiz.

At work

Stress on the job

The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) defines job stress as harmful physical and emotional responses. They happen when a job's demands do not match a worker's abilities, resources or needs. Job stress can lead to poor health and even injury.⁷

Emotion skills help you cope, but they cannot fix a job that asks too much. If your workload or work setting is the main problem, see Burnout.

When you have to hide how you feel

Many jobs, such as nursing, teaching, sales and customer service, expect workers to stay pleasant no matter what. Researchers call this emotional labor.

A review of 95 studies looked at two ways people handle it:⁸

• Surface acting means faking a feeling you do not have, or hiding what you really feel. It was strongly linked with exhaustion and lower job satisfaction.
• Deep acting means trying to change how you feel inside, for example by seeing the situation from the customer's side. It had only weak links with strain, and it was linked with better customer satisfaction.

This fits the wider research: changing how you see a situation tends to work better than putting on a mask.⁵

Handling criticism and feedback

Feedback can feel like a threat, even when it is fair. Try this:

1. Pause. Take a slow breath before you answer. You do not have to respond right away.
2. Name your feeling to yourself: "I'm feeling embarrassed and defensive."
3. Write down what was actually said, not what you fear it means.
4. Ask a question to understand: "Can you give me an example?"
5. Respond later if you need time: "Thank you. Let me think about this and get back to you tomorrow."
6. Sort it out. What part is useful? What part can you let go?

Small habits for the workday

• Take short breaks between hard tasks. A one-minute cyclic sigh or grounding exercise can reset you.
• Keep a short list of your go-to skills where you can see it. Our Calm Plan can help.
• Reach out to a coworker you trust. Ask whether your job has an employee assistance program (EAP).
• Protect sleep and time off. Strong feelings are harder to manage when you are worn out.

Parenting

Staying calm with children

Children learn emotion regulation by watching the adults around them. The CDC notes that young children copy what they see, so when you take slow breaths to calm down, you teach them to do the same.⁹

The CDC also suggests:⁹

• Make sure everyone is safe first. Stay close and give your child space to calm down.
• If you feel frustrated, pause before responding. A few deep breaths count. So does a longer break while another trusted adult watches your child.
• Wait until both of you are calm before talking about what happened.

Emotion coaching

Emotion coaching means helping a child understand and handle feelings instead of dismissing them. The CDC describes five steps: notice the feeling, connect with your child, listen with empathy, name the feeling, and find solutions together. Accept the feeling, but set limits on hurtful behavior. For example: "It's OK to be angry. It's not OK to throw blocks."⁹

There is good evidence this helps. One trial included 216 parents of 4- and 5-year-olds. A six-session emotion coaching program called Tuning in to Kids improved parents' own emotional awareness and regulation. Parents coached more and dismissed feelings less. Their children understood emotions better, and both parents and teachers reported fewer behavior problems.¹⁰

When you are a parent who struggles with strong feelings

Many parents find their own emotions hardest to manage with their children. In a study of mothers with severe emotion regulation difficulties who took a DBT skills group, about 1 in 4 examples of skill use involved parenting. Mothers used mindfulness and emotion regulation skills to be more positive with their children. They used distress tolerance skills to avoid reacting harshly.¹¹

Getting help for yourself is one of the best things you can do for your children. See Emotion regulation skills and Treatment for emotion regulation difficulties.

Repair with children

No parent stays calm all the time. When you lose your temper, come back to it. Tell your child what you did and that it was not their fault. Name the feeling ("I was frustrated, and I yelled. I'm sorry."). Then reconnect. Repair shows children that strong feelings can be handled and that relationships can recover.

For more, see Emotion regulation in children and teens, Parenting teens and New parents.

Common questions

Should I always keep my feelings to myself at work?

You do not need to share every feeling at work. But constantly faking feelings is linked with exhaustion.⁸ It can help to change how you see a hard situation, take short breaks, and find a safe person to talk to.

What if my partner will not calm down?

You can only manage your own part. Stay calm, say you will talk later, and give space. If you feel unsafe, leave the situation and call 911 if needed.

When to get help

Consider talking with a professional if:

• Arguments at home often get out of control
• Your feelings at work are hurting your health, your job or your family
• You often yell at or frighten your children, or worry you might hurt them
• You feel numb and cut off from the people you love

Couples therapy, family therapy, parenting programs and individual therapy can all help. See How to find a therapist and Anger self-help.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.