Emotion regulation in children and teens

No one is born knowing how to manage big feelings. Children learn it slowly, over many years, with a lot of help from the adults around them.¹ Tantrums in toddlers and strong moods in teens are a normal part of that learning.^2,3

Some young people struggle more than others, and some need extra help. This page explains how emotion regulation develops, signs that a child or teen may need support, what parents and caregivers can do, and when to worry. Much of it applies to grandparents and other relatives who help raise children too.

How emotion regulation develops

Self-regulation means being able to manage thoughts and feelings in order to reach goals. It grows best when caregivers and settings are predictable, responsive and supportive. That support matters from birth through young adulthood. Its form changes as a child grows, but it never stops being important.¹

Babies and toddlers. Young children depend on adults to soothe them. They cannot yet calm themselves on their own. Tantrums are most common between ages 1 and 3 and tend to get better after age 3, though they do not disappear completely.² Toddlers often have tantrums because they cannot yet put their needs into words.²

School-age children. Children learn words for feelings, start to understand what causes them, and slowly build ways to cope. They still need adults to guide them, especially when feelings run high.

Teens. The brain goes through big changes in the teen years. The prefrontal cortex, which helps with planning, setting priorities and making decisions, is one of the last areas to mature. Teens also become more focused on friends. Together, these changes can lead to more risk-taking.³ Teens' body clocks shift later, and most teens do not get enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes it harder to pay attention and control impulses.³ Teens may also react to stress differently than adults.³

Young adults. Even in the early 20s, people still benefit from supportive adults who help them manage stress and solve problems.¹ See Young adults.

Signs a child or teen may need more help

Big feelings are normal. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) lists signs that suggest a child may need a professional to take a closer look.⁴

NIMH advises getting help if problems last for weeks or longer, cause distress for the child or family, or get in the way of school, home or friendships. Get help right away if the behavior is unsafe or a child talks about hurting themselves or someone else.⁴

A good first step is to talk with your child's teachers and other adults who see them often, and then with their pediatrician or family doctor.⁴

How parents and caregivers can help

Be a steady presence

Experts describe three kinds of support that help children build self-regulation:¹

1. A warm, responsive relationship. The child knows you care and that you will respond.
2. Structure. Predictable routines and clear, calm limits.
3. Teaching and coaching. Showing and practicing skills, step by step.

Validate feelings

Validation means letting a child know their feelings make sense, even when their behavior is not OK. When a child's feelings are often ignored, mocked or punished, the child may not learn how to name, understand or calm them. Instead they may swing between bottling feelings up and big outbursts.⁷

Ways to validate:

• Listen fully. Put the phone down.
• Reflect what you see: "You look really disappointed."
• Show it makes sense: "Of course you're upset. You were looking forward to that."
• Accept the feeling and set a limit on the behavior: "You can be angry, but you can't hit."

Coach emotions

The CDC describes five steps of emotion coaching: notice your child's feeling, connect, listen with empathy, name the feeling, and find solutions together.⁵ One trial included 216 parents of preschoolers. After a six-session emotion coaching program, children understood emotions better and had fewer behavior problems at home and school.⁶ For more, see Emotion regulation in relationships, work and parenting.

During a meltdown

1. Make sure everyone is safe. Move breakable or dangerous things. Stay close.⁵
2. Calm yourself first. Take a few slow breaths. If you are too frustrated, let another trusted adult step in for a while.^5,2
3. Use few words. A calm voice and simple phrases work better than reasoning in the moment.
4. Wait it out. Give your child space to settle.⁵
5. Name it afterward, once you are both calm: "You were really mad when we had to leave the park."⁵
6. Solve the problem together. Talk about what might help next time.⁵

Do not ignore hitting, kicking or biting. Respond right away and make clear it is not OK.²

With teens

Teens still need co-regulation, but in a different form. Listen more than you lecture. Ask open questions, such as "What was that like?" Stay calm when they are not. Help protect their sleep. Respect their growing independence while staying involved. Show them how you handle your own feelings. See Parenting teens and Teen sleep.

DBT for adolescents

DBT for adolescents (DBT-A) adapts dialectical behavior therapy for teens. It teaches the same core skills, and parents are usually involved in some way.

In a U.S. trial, 173 teens aged 12 to 18 at high risk of suicide had 6 months of either DBT or supportive therapy. Both included weekly individual and group sessions. By the end of treatment, the DBT group had fewer suicide attempts, less self-harm without suicidal intent, and less self-harm overall. For example, 90 in 100 teens in DBT made no suicide attempt during treatment, compared with 79 in 100 in the other group. Self-harm kept dropping in both groups over the next six months, and the differences between groups shrank.⁸

A Cochrane review of four trials found that about 30 in 100 teens who had DBT-A self-harmed again during treatment. With other care, about 43 in 100 did. The reviewers rated this as high-certainty evidence.⁹ UK national guidelines advise considering DBT-A for young people with serious emotional dysregulation who self-harm often.¹⁰

See DBT skills and Treatment for emotion regulation difficulties.

School supports

Schools can teach emotional skills to all students. These programs are often called social and emotional learning (SEL). A review looked at 213 school programs with more than 270,000 students from kindergarten to high school. SEL improved social and emotional skills, attitudes and behavior. It also raised academic achievement by 11 percentile points. Regular teachers ran the programs successfully.¹¹

If your child is struggling, ask to meet with the school counselor or psychologist. Ask what support is available, such as a calm-down space, check-ins with a trusted adult, or a plan for conditions like ADHD or anxiety. See School stress, Bullying, ADHD and Autism.

When to worry: self-harm

Self-harm means hurting yourself on purpose, such as cutting or burning the skin. It is a warning sign that a young person needs help.⁴ Self-harm is closely tied to emotional pain. Across studies of people of all ages, those with more trouble regulating emotions were more likely to self-harm.¹²

If you find out your child is self-harming:

• Stay as calm as you can. Anger or panic can make them hide it.
• Tell them you are glad they told you, or that you noticed.
• Ask directly and gently whether they have thoughts of suicide.
• Contact their doctor or a mental health professional soon.

Read more in Self-harm and Helping someone who may be suicidal.

Common questions

My 6-year-old still has big tantrums. Is that normal?

Tantrums usually ease after age 3, but they do not vanish.² It is worth talking with your pediatrician if tantrums are frequent, intense, last a long time, or come with irritability most days.⁴

Will my teen grow out of it?

Many teens do get steadier as the brain matures into the 20s.³ But do not wait if moods are causing serious problems, or if there is self-harm, substance use or talk of suicide.⁴

I'm a grandparent raising my grandchild. Does this apply to me?

Yes. Any steady, caring adult can co-regulate with a child.¹ Caring for a grandchild can also be stressful, so look after your own emotions too. See Caregivers.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.