Emotion regulation skills

Emotion regulation is a set of skills, not a test of willpower. Like any skill, it gets easier with practice. You do not need to feel calm to start. You only need one small thing to try the next time a feeling gets big.

This page walks you through skills with research behind them. Practice them when you are fairly calm, so they are ready when you need them.

What helps, at a glance

The badges show how strong the research is. See how we rate evidence.

1. Name it: putting feelings into words

In a brain imaging study, people who labeled the emotion in upsetting pictures showed less activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center. A part of the front of the brain became more active instead.¹ Scientists call this affect labeling.

1. Pause and check your body. Where do you feel it? A tight chest, a hot face, a knot in your stomach?
2. Name the feeling in a few words. "I'm feeling anxious." "This is anger." "I notice sadness."
3. Be as specific as you can. Is it anger, or is it hurt? Fear, or embarrassment? More than one feeling can be true.
4. Rate how strong it is, from 0 to 10.
5. Add the reason, if you know it. "I'm hurt because I wasn't invited."
6. Notice the urge. What does the feeling push you to do? You do not have to do it.

If finding words is hard, our emotions quiz can help you build a feelings vocabulary.

2. Pause before you act: the STOP skill

STOP is a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill for moments when you feel a strong urge to act. It puts a gap between the feeling and your response.⁷

1. Stop. Freeze for a moment. Do not act on the first impulse.
2. Take a step back. Step away, physically or in your mind. Take a slow breath.
3. Observe. Notice what is going on inside you and around you. What are the facts?
4. Proceed mindfully. Ask, "What do I want here? Which choice makes things better, not worse?" Then act.

3. Rethink the situation: cognitive reappraisal

Reappraisal means seeing a situation in a new way so it affects you differently. It is a core part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Compared with hiding your feelings, reappraisal lowers both what you feel and what you show, and it does not harm your memory of the event.³

A review of more than 300 experimental tests found that changing how people thought about a situation eased emotions by a small-to-medium amount. Rethinking the situation itself worked better than trying to rethink your feelings about it.²

1. Write down what happened in one plain sentence. Stick to facts a camera would see.
2. Write the thought that came up. For example, "She ignored me because she's angry with me."
3. Look for other explanations. Could she be busy, distracted or worried about something else?
4. Ask a wider question. What would I tell a friend? Will this matter in a year?
5. Choose a more balanced view that you can believe, not just a cheerful one.
6. Notice any change in the feeling, even a small one.

Reappraisal is not pretending all is well. Our thought check tool and CBT week 3 can guide you.

4. Make room for feelings: acceptance and willingness

Fighting a feeling often makes it louder. Acceptance means letting a feeling be there while you keep doing what matters to you. Willingness means being open to discomfort for the sake of something you value. Both are central to acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).

A review of 39 trials with about 1,800 people found that ACT worked better than waitlists, usual care and placebo talks. It worked about as well as CBT.¹²

1. Notice and name the feeling, and find where it sits in your body.
2. Breathe slowly into that spot.
3. Make room. Imagine space around the feeling. Say, "I'm having the feeling of fear," instead of "I am afraid."
4. Drop the struggle. You do not have to like the feeling. You just stop fighting it for now.
5. Ask what matters. What would the person you want to be do next?
6. Take one small step toward that, with the feeling along for the ride.

Learn more in ACT lesson 2: unhooking from thoughts, ACT lesson 3: acceptance and the values compass.

5. DBT skills for strong emotions

DBT teaches dozens of skills in four groups: mindfulness, distress tolerance (getting through a crisis without making it worse), emotion regulation, and getting along with others.⁸ One trial included 99 women with borderline personality disorder at high suicide risk. DBT with skills training cut self-harm and depression more than DBT without it.⁹ Skills groups alone show early promise, but the studies have weaknesses. If you self-harm, full DBT is the safer choice.^9,10

Here are five widely used DBT skills. For full lessons, see DBT emotion regulation skills and DBT distress tolerance skills.

Check the facts

This skill asks whether your emotion, and how strong it is, fits the facts of the situation.⁷

• What exactly happened, and what am I assuming?
• Does the size of my feeling match what happened?

If the feeling fits the facts, problem solving may be the next step. If it does not, try opposite action.

Opposite action

When an emotion does not fit the facts, or acting on it will not help, you act opposite to its urge. Over time, this can weaken the unwanted feeling.⁷

TIPP: when emotions are extreme

TIPP is for moments when a feeling is so strong you cannot think. It works through the body.^7,8

• Temperature. Splash cold water on your face or hold something cold. This can calm the body's arousal.⁷
• Intense exercise. A short burst, like climbing stairs, can help burn off the charge.⁷
• Paced breathing. Slow your breathing, with the out-breath longer than the in-breath. Try the cyclic sigh or box breathing.
• Paired muscle relaxation. Tense a muscle group as you breathe in, then let go as you breathe out. See muscle relaxation.

Self-soothe with your five senses

This distress tolerance skill uses comfort to ride out a hard moment.⁸ Pick one thing for each sense, such as a favorite photo, calming music, fresh air, a cup of tea or a soft blanket.

PLEASE: lower your vulnerability

Your body affects your emotions. PLEASE stands for treating PhysicaL illness, balanced Eating, Avoiding mood-altering substances, balanced Sleep and getting Exercise. These habits make you less vulnerable to intense emotions.⁷ See healthy sleep habits and exercise for mood.

Our Skills Deck puts many of these skills on cards you can keep handy.

6. Mindfulness

Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, without judging it. It builds the noticing and naming that other skills depend on.

In an NIH-supported analysis of more than 12,000 people, mindfulness approaches for anxiety and depression worked about as well as proven therapies. Much of the research has weak points, though. About 8 in 100 people in studies had a negative experience, such as more anxiety.¹¹

Start with one to five minutes a day. Try the body scan, grounding or our 4-week mindfulness course. If you have lived through trauma, keep sessions short and stop if you feel worse.

7. Solve the problem when you can

Some feelings signal that something needs to change. Across many studies, people who tend to tackle problems actively had fewer symptoms of anxiety, depression and related problems.⁶

1. Define the problem in one small, specific sentence.
2. List possible solutions, even silly ones, without judging.
3. Weigh the pros and cons of the best few, and pick one.
4. Try it, then look at what happened. Adjust if needed.

Problem-solving therapy teaches this step by step.

Why suppression and rumination backfire

Pushing thoughts away. In a classic experiment, people asked not to think about a white bear could not stop the thought. Afterward, they thought about the bear even more than people told to think about it from the start.⁴

Hiding your feelings. Keeping a blank face does not lower what you feel inside. It can raise your body's stress response, and that of the person you are talking with. It also makes it harder to remember what was said.³

Going over and over it. Rumination means replaying problems and feelings without moving toward a solution. It deepens depression, makes thinking more negative, gets in the way of problem solving and can push away support.⁵ In a review of 114 studies, rumination had the strongest link to symptoms of all the strategies studied.⁶

What to do instead. Name the habit ("I'm ruminating") and choose a different move. Brief distraction can help: in experiments, focusing on something else eased emotions, while dwelling on the feeling did not.² When you are calmer, come back to the problem.

Notes for older adults

These skills work at any age. Paced breathing, muscle relaxation and self-soothing are gentle choices if cold water or hard exercise is not safe for you. Caregivers can use STOP and slow breathing during hard moments. See caregiver stress and Emotion regulation in later life.

When skills are not enough

See a professional if strong feelings keep causing serious problems, or if you use alcohol, drugs or self-harm to cope. Also get help if weeks of practice have not helped. A therapist trained in DBT, CBT or ACT can help. See Treatment for emotion regulation difficulties.

Common questions

Is distraction a bad habit?

Not always. Short-term distraction can ease a strong feeling.² Problems come when avoiding feelings becomes your main way of coping, since avoidance is linked with more symptoms.⁶ Use distraction to get through the peak, then come back to the issue.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.