Grief

Grief is the pain we feel when someone we love dies. It is not an illness. It is a normal part of loving someone and losing them.¹ Grief can also follow other big losses, such as a move, a divorce or a loved one's dementia.

Grief touches the mind, the body and daily life. For most people, the sharpest pain softens with time. For a smaller group, it stays stuck and gets in the way of living. This page gives you the big picture and points you to our detailed pages.

What grief can feel like

There is no right way to grieve. Your culture, your faith, your relationship with the person and how they died all shape your grief.^2,3 Common reactions include:^3,2

• Feelings: shock, numbness, sadness, longing, anger, guilt, worry, and sometimes relief after a long illness
• Body: trouble sleeping, poor appetite, tiredness, crying, sighing, aches
• Thinking: a sense that the death is not real, dreaming about the person, or briefly sensing they are near
• Actions: looking for the person, keeping or avoiding their things, pulling away from others

These reactions can be scary, but they are common. Dreaming of the person or briefly sensing they are near does not mean you are "losing your mind."

Learn more on What grief can feel like.

Why grief comes in waves

Many people expect grief to fade in a steady line. It rarely works that way. Strong bursts of grief, sometimes called grief pangs, can come on fast. They may be set off by a song, a smell, a holiday, a birthday or sorting the person's clothes. Sometimes they come with no clear reason at all.³

Over time, the waves usually come less often and hurt less. They may still return on the "firsts": the first holiday, the first anniversary of the death, the first family wedding without the person.³ Planning ahead for those days can help.

The stages of grief: a common myth

You may have heard that grief moves through five stages, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These ideas came from watching people who were dying, not people who were grieving. Researchers have found little evidence that most grieving people follow these steps in order.⁵

A more useful idea is the dual process model. It says grieving people move back and forth between two kinds of work:⁴

Moving between the two is healthy. Taking a break from grief is not "avoiding" it or forgetting the person. It is part of how people heal.⁴

What helps

Most grieving people do not need treatment. They need time, kindness and support from the people around them.^1,2

If the person who died was in hospice, ask the hospice about grief support. Under Medicare rules, hospices must offer bereavement services to the family for up to a year after the death.⁹ Read more about hospice care.

Grief and health in later life

Losing a husband or wife is one of the hardest events in later life. It can also affect the body. A large review of studies found that widowed people had a higher risk of death than married people. The risk was highest in the first six months, when it was about 40% higher, and it was clearer in men.⁸ Men who lose a wife are also more likely to have depression and other health problems.²

This does not mean something bad will happen to you. It means the months after a loss are a time to take extra care. Keep your doctor visits. Take your medicines as prescribed. Tell your doctor about the loss, along with any changes in sleep, appetite or weight. Read more on Losing a husband or wife and Depression in later life.

Grieving someone who is still here

Families of a person living with dementia often grieve long before death. You may miss the person they used to be, the talks you shared, or the future you had planned. This is sometimes called anticipatory grief. The loss can come back again and again as the illness moves forward.⁷

Mixed feelings are common, including love, anger, guilt and sadness. Caregivers often say others do not notice this grief.⁷ See Grieving someone still here and When your husband or wife has dementia.

When grief gets stuck

For some people, grief does not ease. In 2022, the American Psychiatric Association added prolonged grief disorder to its diagnosis manual (DSM-5-TR).¹ It may be the problem when, at least a year after the death:¹

• You may feel intense longing for the person, or be caught up in thoughts of their death.
• You have at least 3 signs nearly every day for at least the past month. These include intense emotional pain, feeling that part of you died, disbelief, avoiding reminders, numbness, deep loneliness, trouble getting back into life, or a sense that life has no meaning.
• These feelings last longer than your culture or faith would expect, and they make daily life very hard.

The American Psychiatric Association estimates that about 4% to 15% of grieving adults have lasting symptoms like these.¹ Risk is higher with a sudden death, very close dependence on the person, low support, and past depression.^2,3

Prolonged grief responds to treatment. In one study of adults 50 and older, about 7 in 10 people (71%) improved with a grief-focused therapy. Only about 3 in 10 (32%) improved with a well-tested therapy for depression.⁶ Antidepressants can help depression that comes with grief, but they do less for the grief itself.^2,3 Talk with your doctor before starting or stopping any medicine.

Learn more on Prolonged grief disorder.

All grief pages

In this section

When to get help

Wishing to be with the person who died is a common grief thought.² But if that wish turns into plans or thoughts of harming yourself, reach out now. Our safety plan can help you prepare.

Also talk with your doctor or a counselor if:

• Months have passed and the pain is not easing at all
• You cannot sleep, eat or care for yourself
• You are drinking more alcohol or using more pills to cope
• You feel hopeless, or you have pulled away from almost everyone

See Getting help and Finding a therapist.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.