What grief can feel like

Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something you love. It can touch almost every part of you: your feelings, your body, your sleep, your memory and the way you go through your day.

Many people are surprised by how strong, strange or changeable grief feels. This page explains what is common, why grief rarely follows neat "stages," and how to get ready for the hard days, like the first holiday or the anniversary of a death.

Feelings you may have

There is no single "right" way to grieve. People react in many different ways, and all of them can be normal.^2,5 Some common feelings are:^1,2

• Shock, numbness or disbelief. This is especially common after a sudden death. You may feel as if it is not real.
• Yearning. A deep longing for the person. You may look for them in a crowd or reach for the phone to call them.
• Sadness and crying. Sadness may come in strong bursts and then ease.
• Anger. Anger at doctors, at God, at family, at yourself, or even at the person who died.
• Guilt. "I should have done more." "I should have been there." These thoughts are very common, even when they are not fair to you.
• Anxiety. Worry about the future, or feeling unsafe and lost without the person.
• Relief. After a long illness, or after years of caregiving, relief is common. It does not mean you loved the person less.⁸

If your relationship with the person was hard, grief can feel even more mixed and confusing.⁵ That is normal too.

Some people see the person in dreams. Some briefly hear their voice or feel they are in the room. These experiences are common in grief and are not by themselves a sign of mental illness.^1,2

What grief can do to your body

Grief is not only in your mind. Your body feels it too. Common body changes include:^1,2,8

• Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
• Feeling tired or drained most of the day
• Losing your appetite
• Sighing a lot

Losing someone can be a major shock to the heart. In one study of about 2,000 heart attack patients, the chance of a heart attack was about 21 times higher than usual in the first day after the death of someone close. The risk dropped day by day after that.⁷ For most people, the actual added risk is still small. It is larger for people who already have a high chance of heart disease.⁷

Strong emotional stress can also trigger broken heart syndrome (takotsubo cardiomyopathy). This is when part of the heart suddenly stops pumping well for a while. It is more common in women. Most people recover fully within days to weeks.⁶

Bereaved people, especially men, are at higher risk of health problems and death in the months after a spouse dies. Losing social support is one likely reason.¹ This is one more reason to keep your doctor visits, take your medicines as prescribed, and let people help you. See Losing a husband or wife.

What grief can do to your thinking

Many grieving people say their mind feels foggy. You may have trouble concentrating, lose your keys, forget appointments, or read the same page three times.⁹ Your daily routines may fall apart for a while.¹

This is common, and it usually improves as the first, sharpest grief eases. For older adults, it can be scary and may feel like a memory problem. Grief, poor sleep and low mood can all affect memory. If memory problems are getting worse over time, or still bother you after the first months, talk with your doctor. See Depression in later life and Sleep in later life.

While your mind is foggy, it helps to:

• Write things down. Keep a list of bills, calls and appointments.
• Ask a trusted person to help with paperwork. See What to do after someone dies.
• Wait before making big decisions, like moving or selling a house, if you can.⁹

The "five stages" are a myth

You may have heard that grief comes in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. This idea is very well known. But it was first written about people who were dying, not about the people they left behind. Research has given it limited support.¹

Most people do not move through grief in steps, one after the other.⁵ Grief does not follow a straight line.¹ You can feel several of these feelings in one day, or none of them.

One U.S. study followed 233 people for up to two years after a family member died of natural causes.³ Here is what it found:

• Acceptance was the feeling people reported most often, and it grew over time.
• Longing, or yearning, was the strongest painful feeling the whole time. Disbelief, anger and depression were less common.
• On average, each painful feeling peaked within about 6 months and then eased. The average peaks came in an order close to the classic stages.

But these were averages. Acceptance and yearning were there side by side from the start, so the feelings overlapped instead of taking turns.³ If you never felt "denial" or "bargaining," nothing is wrong with you.

A better picture: grief comes in waves

Experts now describe grief as something that comes and goes, not a straight path.¹ Two Dutch researchers, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, created a model called the dual process model.⁴ It says grieving people move back and forth between two kinds of work:

The key idea is that moving back and forth is healthy.⁴ You do not have to grieve all the time to grieve "properly." Taking breaks from grief is part of coping, not a sign that you have forgotten the person.⁴

Grief can also arrive in sudden, strong waves. These grief bursts often last about 20 to 30 minutes.^1,2 They may be set off by a song, a smell, a place, or nothing you can name. It can help to know that a wave will pass. A few slow breaths, such as the cyclic sigh, can help you ride it out.

How long grief lasts

There is no set timeline.⁹ For most people, grief becomes softer and less frequent somewhere between 6 months and 2 years after the loss.² The worst of it often eases sooner. The sense of loss may never fully go away, but it usually becomes something you can carry while you live your life.

Some people show little outward distress after a loss. This can be a sign of resilience (the ability to cope and bounce back), not a sign that they did not care.¹

For a smaller group, grief stays intense and stops them from living their life for a year or more. Doctors call this prolonged grief disorder. It affects an estimated 4% to 15% of bereaved adults, or roughly 1 in 25 to 1 in 7. It can be treated.¹⁰

Firsts, holidays and anniversaries

The first year often brings a string of "firsts": the first birthday without the person, the first holiday, the first wedding anniversary, the first anniversary of the death. Holidays, anniversaries and giving away belongings are common times for grief to come back strongly.² This can happen years later, too.

Anniversaries can be painful. They can also be a time to remember and honor the person.⁵ Planning ahead often makes these days easier:

1. Mark the date on your calendar. Knowing it is coming is better than being caught off guard.
2. Decide how you want to spend the day. You might visit the grave, cook their favorite meal, look at photos, or go somewhere quiet.
3. Tell someone. Ask a friend or relative to call, visit or spend the day with you.
4. Change traditions if you need to. It is fine to keep old traditions, start new ones, or skip some this year.
5. Plan something gentle for afterward. A walk, a favorite show, or an early night.
6. Expect the days before to be hard. Many people find the lead-up is worse than the day itself.

Friends and family who want to help can find ideas in Helping someone who is grieving.

Things that can help

Most people get through grief with time, support from others, and healthy habits.⁵ Things that may help:

• Talk about the person. Share stories with friends or family. Avoiding the topic can leave you lonely.⁵
• Look after your body. Try to eat regular meals, move every day, and protect your sleep.^5,9
• Go easy on alcohol. Heavy drinking makes sleep and mood worse.⁹ See Alcohol in later life.
• Join a grief support group or see a counselor.⁹ Hospices, faith groups and senior centers often offer free groups.
• Let people help. Accept offers of meals, rides and company. See the Care circle tool.
• Stay connected. Grief and loneliness often go together. See Loneliness.

If you were a caregiver, you may also have lost your daily routine and purpose. Feeling lost with suddenly empty time is common.⁹ If you grieved for a long time before the death, see Grieving someone still here.

When to get help

Grief is not an illness, and most people do not need treatment.^2,10 But talk with your doctor or a counselor if:^5,8,9

• You cannot handle daily tasks like getting dressed, eating or sleeping.
• You feel stuck, or the grief is just as intense many months later.
• You feel very depressed, hopeless or numb most of the time.
• You are drinking more or using drugs to cope.
• You feel life has no meaning without the person.¹⁰

Grief and depression can overlap. In grief, sad feelings tend to come and go, and you usually keep your sense of self-worth. In depression, low mood is more constant, and you may feel worthless.² Both can be treated. See Depression and Getting help.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.