Helping someone who is grieving

When someone you care about loses a person they love, it is common to feel stuck. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, so you say nothing at all. But a caring word, a meal or a short visit can mean more than you think.¹

This page gives you simple ways to help. It covers what to say, what to skip, practical help, the dates that hurt most, and how to respect the family's own customs. You do not need special training. You mostly need to show up and keep showing up.

Why your support matters

Having people around you is one of the biggest things that helps a person cope with a death. Lack of support makes grief harder and is linked to worse health after a loss.⁷ Friends, family, neighbors and faith groups can give comfort, hands-on help and sometimes money help.⁶

Most people get a lot of attention in the first few weeks. Then the calls and cards slow down. A message often means the most months later, when everyone else has gone back to normal life.¹ One hospice group suggests checking in now and then through the first two years after a death.⁴

Some people get less support than others. Men who lose a wife, for example, tend to receive less help and have worse health afterward than women who lose a husband.⁷ Quiet people, or people who worry about being a burden, may not ask. Reaching out to them first can make a real difference.¹

What to say

You do not need perfect words. Keep it short and kind. Say you are sorry, say you care, and say their loved one's name.^1,2

Things that often help:

• "I'm so sorry about your mom."
• "I've been thinking about you."
• "I don't know exactly what this is like for you, but I'm here."³
• "How are you doing today?" Asking about today is easier to answer than "How are you?"¹
• "Tell me about him." Many grieving people want to talk about the person's life, not just the death.¹⁰

If you are not close to the person, a simple card or text with a few kind words is enough. If you have had a similar loss, you can mention it briefly. Then turn the focus back to them.^1,5

Phrases in the left column usually come from a kind place. But they can make the person feel rushed, judged or brushed aside.^1,2,3,5 If the grieving person says something like "It was God's will" themselves, you can respect that. Just don't be the one to bring it up.¹

Listen more than you talk

Your main job is to be there and listen. Advice is rarely needed.⁴ Let the person talk, cry, laugh or sit in silence. Each of these can bring relief.²

• Don't try to fix it. Grief is not a problem to solve. Their pain is not yours to take away.^1,2
• Accept all feelings. Sadness, anger, guilt and numbness are all common.^3,8 Let them know their feelings are not "crazy."¹
• Don't judge how they grieve. Some people cry a lot. Others keep busy or seem calm. There is no right way.^4,7
• Expect ups and downs. Grief often comes in waves. A good day can be followed by a hard one, and what helps one day may not help the next.^1,6

Sitting together without talking can be a comfort too.¹ Learn more on What grief can feel like.

Practical help that makes a difference

"Is there anything I can do?" is hard to answer when you are exhausted and sad. Instead, offer something specific. Or give a short list of choices and let them pick.^1,4 Giving them the choice also gives back a little control.¹

Ideas you can offer:

• Food. Drop off a meal, or set up a meal schedule with others. Ask how many people will be eating.⁴
• Chores. Mow the lawn, shovel snow, do laundry, clean up, or take out the trash.^1,2
• Errands. Pick up groceries or prescriptions, or drive them to appointments.^3,4
• Paperwork and calls. Help sort mail, make phone calls, or keep a list of who sent flowers. The weeks after a death bring a lot of tasks. See What to do after someone dies.
• Children and pets. Take kids to the park or do a craft with them. Walk the dog.^2,4
• Company. Sit with them, or go with them to the first visit to a place that holds memories.

Later on, when the worst has eased, let them do something for you too. This helps the friendship feel balanced again.¹

Remembering birthdays, holidays and anniversaries

Special days can bring back strong waves of grief. These short, intense bursts are often set off by reminders like holidays, the anniversary of the death, or sorting the person's belongings.⁶ For many people, these days stay hard for years.²

1. Write the dates down. Put the person's birthday, the anniversary of the death and the wedding anniversary (if a spouse died) on your calendar.
2. Reach out on the day. A text, call, card or visit is enough.¹ You might say, "I know today is hard. I'm thinking of you and of Frank."
3. Plan ahead for holidays. Ask what they would like to do. Some people want to be with others. Some want to skip old traditions and do something new.⁴ The stretch from Thanksgiving to New Year's is hard for many.²
4. Invite them, but let them say no. Keep inviting them to gatherings, and don't take it personally if they decline.⁴
5. Help them remember. Offer to help with a keepsake, such as a planted tree, a holiday ornament or a memory book.^2,8

Grief does not end after the first year of "firsts." Keep checking in now and then through the second year too.⁴

Respecting cultural and religious mourning

Grief itself is much the same in every culture. Mourning, the way people show grief in public, is shaped by faith, family and culture.⁷ Customs for the body, the funeral, how long mourning lasts, what people wear, and what is said and done can be very different from yours.

Families who are kept from their expected rituals can be left with grief that feels unfinished.⁷ So the best approach is to ask and to follow their lead. Respect their beliefs even if you would choose differently.⁴ For example, if a family chooses not to bring children to a funeral because of their beliefs, support that choice.⁴

Respectful questions you can ask:

• "Are there customs or prayers that are important to your family right now?"
• "Is there anything I should know before I come to the service or the home?"
• "Would you like me to bring food? Are there foods you don't eat during this time?"
• "Are there days later on that your family marks, like 40 days or one year?"

Some families openly cry and show grief. Others expect quiet and calm. Roles for men and women may differ.⁷ A family's way of honoring the dead can be part of how they heal.⁸ If you are not sure, a faith leader or a member of their community may be able to guide you.

Helping grieving children in the family

Children grieve too, but they often show it in short bursts. They may seem fine, then grieve again at later milestones like graduation.⁶ They may worry that they caused the death or wonder who will take care of them.⁶

• Use simple, clear words like "died" and "death." Phrases like "passed away" or "we lost him" can confuse young children.⁶
• Tell them they will be cared for.⁶
• Let them ask questions and share feelings. Don't tell them how they should feel.⁵
• Offer a break: an outing, a game or baking together.²

When the death was sudden or by suicide

A sudden or traumatic death raises the chance that grief stays very intense for a long time.³ After a suicide, people in the same family may cope in very different ways.¹⁰ Ask about the person's life, not how or why they died.¹⁰

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers support groups and a program that connects people with volunteers who have also lost someone to suicide.¹⁰ Let the grieving person know these exist, and offer to help find one.

Supporting an older friend or relative

In later life, losses often pile up. An older person may lose a spouse, siblings and friends within a few years. Older adults who lose a spouse may also face health changes and loneliness.³ Losing a partner can mean losing a driver, a cook, a money manager or the person who kept up the social calendar.

• Help with new tasks they never had to do before, like paying bills or cooking.
• Watch for isolation. Offer rides to church, a senior center or a grief group. See Helping someone who is isolated.
• Encourage daily routines. Regular meals, sleep and activity help people cope. In one study of older grieving adults, rebuilding these routines with an online program eased depression and anxiety.^3,8
• Ask about hospice grief support. If the person who died was in hospice, the hospice must make grief support available to the family for up to one year after the death.⁹

For more, see Losing a husband or wife.

When to worry and how to get help

For most people, the sharpest pain slowly eases. Many adjust within about six months to two years.⁶ But some people stay stuck in very intense grief. If someone still cannot function a year or more after the loss, seems unable to connect with others, or feels the future holds nothing, they may have prolonged grief disorder. Treatment helps.^3,6

Gently encourage them to talk with a doctor, counselor or faith leader if they:^1,3

• Have been in deep emotional pain for a long time
• Have struggled to keep up with daily life for a long time
• Seem hopeless, or cut off from the people around them

Some grieving people say they wish they could be with the person who died. This is fairly common in grief.⁷ But take it seriously if someone talks about wanting to die, ending their life, or having no reason to live. Ask them directly and kindly. See Helping someone with depression.

Take care of yourself too

Supporting a grieving person can be tiring, especially if you are grieving the same loss. Share the load with others. Rest, eat and keep up your own routines.⁸ If you are caring for many people at once, see Caregiver burnout.

What if I've waited too long to reach out?

It is rarely too late. A note that says "I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. I've been thinking of you and of Maria" is welcome weeks or even months later. Late contact often means a lot, because most people have stopped calling.¹

Should I mention the person who died, or will it upset them?

Most grieving people want to hear their loved one's name. Being willing to talk about the person is one of the most helpful things you can do.^1,2 If they don't want to talk, they will let you know.

What if they turn down my help?

Accept it kindly and keep offering. Let them know it is fine to say no, and check back later.^4,5

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.