Helping someone with depression

When someone you love is depressed, it can be hard to know what to do. You may see them pull away, sleep all day, or stop enjoying things they used to love. You may feel worried, helpless, or even frustrated.

You cannot cure someone's depression for them. But you can make a real difference. Most people with depression get better with treatment, and a caring person nearby can help them take the first step.¹ This page explains what to say, how to encourage care, how to ask about suicide, and how to look after yourself along the way.

Signs that someone may be depressed

Depression is more than a bad day. It is low mood or loss of interest that lasts most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. People may also have changes in sleep, appetite, and energy, trouble focusing, or feelings of guilt or worthlessness.¹

It does not always look like sadness. Some people seem irritable, angry, or numb. Some drink more. Others mainly complain of aches, pains, or stomach problems.⁵ Older adults may say they feel flat or empty rather than sad.¹ Men often hide it behind work, anger, or alcohol. See depression in men and the full list of signs and symptoms.

How to start the conversation

Choose a quiet time when you will not be rushed or interrupted. A walk or a drive can feel less intense than sitting face to face.

1. Say what you have noticed, kindly. Talk about specific changes. For example: "You haven't wanted to go to church lately, and you seem really tired. I've been worried about you."
2. Ask an open question. Try "How have you been feeling?" or "What's been going on for you?" Then stop and wait.
3. Listen more than you talk. Let silences happen. You do not need to fix anything right now.
4. Show that you heard them. You might say, "That sounds really hard," or "I'm glad you told me."
5. Offer help you can actually give. Be specific: "Can I drive you to the doctor on Tuesday?" Then follow through.²
6. Keep the door open. If they are not ready to talk, say you will check in again. Then do.

For more on this first talk, see how to start a conversation about mental health.

What to say, and what to avoid

People who are depressed often already feel like a failure. Words that sound helpful to you can feel like blame to them. The goal is to show that you care and that you are not judging.²

You do not need perfect words. Your calm, steady presence matters more than any script.

Encouraging them to get care

Most people with depression feel better with treatment, such as talk therapy, medicine, or both.¹ But depression itself can make it hard to seek help. A person may feel hopeless, ashamed, or too tired to make a phone call.

Here are ways you can help:¹

• Suggest starting with a regular doctor. A primary care doctor can check for health problems or medicines that cause low mood. They can also refer to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker.⁵
• Help with the hard parts. Offer to look up providers, make the call together, or sit with them while they fill out forms.
• Offer a ride or go along. Transportation is a common barrier. Waiting rooms feel less lonely with company.
• Help them stick with the plan. Reminders for appointments and medicines can help. Remind them that treatment takes time, and that their depression can lift.
• Respect their choices about medicine. Encourage them to talk with their doctor or pharmacist before starting or stopping any medicine.¹

People with Medicare Part B can get one depression screening each year in a primary care office. In Original Medicare, it usually costs nothing if the doctor accepts Medicare's payment terms.⁶ See what Medicare covers for mental health, getting checked for depression, and how to find a therapist.

Once treatment starts, see supporting someone in treatment and our overview of treatment for depression.

What if they say no?

Many people refuse help at first. That does not mean the door is closed. Stay connected, keep inviting, and bring it up again later in a calm way. Pushing hard or arguing often makes people pull back.

Ask what worries them about getting help, such as cost, being labeled, or taking medicine. Naming the fear can open a path forward. Unless there is a safety risk, an adult has the right to make their own choices.

Everyday support that helps

Small, steady acts of support can help a person get moving again.

• Invite them to do things. Ask them to join you for a short walk, a meal, or an errand. Keep it low-pressure.¹
• Start small. One short outing is better than a big plan they cannot face. This idea, called behavioral activation, is a proven part of depression treatment. Action often comes before motivation.
• Help with practical tasks. Bringing a meal, doing laundry, or handling a bill can lift a heavy load.
• Be patient. Recovery has ups and downs. A bad week does not mean treatment has failed.
• Learn about depression. Knowing what to expect helps you respond with patience.² Start with our depression overview and self-help for depression.

Asking about suicide

Thoughts of death or suicide can be part of depression.¹ If you are worried, the most important thing you can do is ask. Many people fear that asking will plant the idea. Research shows it does not. A review of 13 studies found that asking about suicide did not raise suicidal thoughts. Talking about it may even ease them.^3,4

Warning signs to take seriously

Get help soon, especially if a sign is new or getting worse. Warning signs include:⁷

• Talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped, or being a burden to others
• Feeling hopeless, empty, or without a reason to live
• Strong guilt or shame, or pain that feels unbearable
• Pulling away from people, saying goodbye, or giving away treasured things
• Making a plan or searching for ways to die
• Using more alcohol or drugs
• Big changes in sleep or eating, or extreme mood swings

Five steps you can take

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests five action steps:³

1. Ask. Use plain words: "Are you thinking about suicide?" A clear question shows you can handle the answer.
2. Be there. Listen without judging. Let them tell you how they feel and what is going on.
3. Help keep them safe. Ask if they have a plan. Help put distance between them and things they could use to harm themselves.
4. Help them connect. Call or text 988 together. Help them reach a doctor, counselor, faith leader, or trusted friend.
5. Follow up. Keep in touch after a crisis or a hospital stay. Ongoing caring contact can help save lives.

You can call 988 if you are worried about someone else, not only for yourself.⁸ The call, text, or chat is free and confidential. A trained counselor will ask about safety, listen, and share local resources.⁹ Spanish is available, and veterans and the people who support them can press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line.^9,10

Making the home safer

Making lethal means (items that could be used in a suicide attempt) harder to reach helps protect people at risk.¹¹ Firearms were involved in more than half of U.S. suicides in 2023.¹²

If someone in your home may be at risk, the safest choice is to store guns away from the home for a while, such as with a trusted friend or relative. Locking them at home is less safe, because a person may find the key or code.¹³ Also think about large supplies of medicines, including old prescriptions. Ask a pharmacist how to dispose of medicines you no longer need. See guns in the home.

A safety plan is a short written list of warning signs, coping steps, and people to call. You can make one together when things are calm.

When the person is an older parent or spouse

Some families assume low mood just comes with getting older. But depression is a treatable illness at any age. It can be easy to miss in older adults, who may feel flat or empty rather than sad. In severe cases, memory and thinking problems can stand out.¹ Older adults are also more likely to have health problems or pain that add to low mood.¹

Many older people grew up when mental health was rarely discussed. It may help to call depression a health problem a doctor can treat, like high blood pressure.

Suicide risk is highest in late life. In 2023, people aged 85 and older had the highest suicide rate of any age group, and men die by suicide about four times as often as women.¹² Serious illness, chronic pain, loss, and isolation all raise risk. Feeling connected to family and friends helps protect against it.¹¹ So a regular phone call, visit, or shared meal can matter a great deal.

Learn more in depression in later life and depression with heart disease, stroke, diabetes and pain.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone with depression can be tiring and lonely. You may feel sad, worried, guilty, or angry. These feelings are normal. Getting support for yourself is essential if you want to keep helping.²

• Keep up your own basics. Sleep, meals, movement, and time with friends are not selfish. They keep you going.
• Share the load. Ask other family members or friends to take turns. A care circle can help organize who does what.
• Set limits. You can love someone and still say no to some things. See setting boundaries as a caregiver.
• Find people who understand. NAMI offers a free class for families called Family-to-Family, plus family support groups. The NAMI HelpLine is 800-950-6264 (or text "NAMI" to 62640), Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Eastern.² See support groups and peer support.
• Watch for signs of burnout in yourself. Trouble sleeping, losing interest, or feeling hopeless can mean you need help too. See caregiver burnout. You can also call or text 988 for yourself.⁸
• Remember what is not yours to carry. You are not responsible for curing their illness. Your job is to care, to encourage help, and to stay connected.

Common questions

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.