Why emotion regulation can be hard

If strong feelings often take over, you may wonder why other people seem to cope more easily. The answer is rarely simple. The way a person handles emotions grows out of many things. These include the body they were born with and the people who raised them. They also include what has happened to them and the stress they live with now.¹

This page is not about blame. Difficulties with emotions are not a moral failing, and in most cases they are not simply a parent's fault either. Knowing where the patterns come from can make them less shameful and easier to change.

A mix of nature and experience

Researchers see emotion regulation as something that develops through give-and-take between a person and their surroundings. A child's temperament affects how other people respond. Those responses then shape how the child's emotions develop, and the cycle continues.¹

This back-and-forth helps explain why two children in the same family can turn out quite differently. It also means caregivers are shaped by the child, not only the other way around.¹

Temperament and emotional sensitivity

Babies differ from the start. Some are calm and easy to soothe. Others react quickly and strongly and take a long time to settle.

In the biosocial model, emotional vulnerability has three parts:¹

1. High sensitivity. Small things can set off a feeling.
2. Intense reactions. Feelings come on strong and often.
3. A slow return to calm. It takes a long time for the feeling to fade.

For some children, acting quickly before thinking, called impulsivity, is also part of the picture early on.¹

Sensitivity is not a flaw. It is a trait, like being tall or short. But a sensitive person without the right skills and support can find strong feelings very hard to manage.

Early environment and the biosocial model

Psychologist Marsha Linehan created dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). She proposed that emotion dysregulation often grows when an emotionally sensitive child meets an invalidating environment.¹

An invalidating environment is one where a child's inner feelings are not accepted, especially feelings others cannot see a reason for. The child gets the message that their feelings are wrong and should be handled alone, without help. Yet sometimes only very big outbursts get attention.¹

Over time, the child may not learn how to name, understand, tolerate or calm feelings. Instead they may swing between holding feelings in and having big emotional storms.¹

Invalidation does not always mean abuse. Linehan described three kinds of family settings that raise risk:¹

• Families that are chaotic, neglectful or abusive
• Families where showing negative feelings is not allowed
• Ordinary, caring families where the child's temperament and the family's style are simply a poor fit

Validation is the opposite. It means letting someone know their feelings make sense, even if you do not agree with what they did. See Emotion regulation in children and teens for how parents can practice it.

Trauma and adversity

Abuse, neglect and violence in childhood are linked with trouble regulating emotions across life. Researchers think emotion dysregulation may be one reason childhood trauma raises the risk of so many later problems, including depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder.²

Long-lasting or repeated trauma, especially harm from someone who should have been safe, can leave people struggling to manage strong emotions. They may feel they have lost control over their feelings. The World Health Organization now lists this pattern as part of complex PTSD.³ See What causes PTSD and PTSD therapy.

Stress and sleep loss

Stress makes regulation harder for everyone. The thinking skills we use to calm feelings rely on the front of the brain, and stress quickly weakens them. In one experiment, people learned a thinking skill to calm fear. The next day, those who were put under stress could no longer use it well. People who were not stressed still could.⁴

Sleep matters too. A 2024 review of 154 experiments with more than 5,700 people found that losing sleep lowered positive feelings and raised anxiety.⁵ Other research links short sleep with moodiness, less patience and generosity toward others, and a higher risk of anxiety and depression.⁶

This helps explain why the same person may cope well one week and poorly the next. Caregivers, shift workers and new parents often carry both heavy stress and short sleep. See Sleep, mood and anxiety and What stress does to the body.

ADHD and autism

ADHD. Many people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder have quick tempers, strong reactions and moods that change fast. A major review estimated that emotion dysregulation affects about 25% to 45% of children with ADHD, or roughly 1 in 4 to almost 1 in 2. It affects 30% to 70% of adults with ADHD. It is a big source of problems at home, school and work.⁷ See ADHD and mood.

Autism. Autistic people often have amplified emotional responses and more trouble calming down. Researchers think this may come partly from differences in how the brain takes in information. More rigid thinking may also play a part, along with factors seen in other groups.⁸ See Autism and Autism: conditions that often occur with it.

These are differences in how the brain works, not character flaws. With the right support, people with ADHD or autism can build strong regulation skills.

Brain basics in plain words

You do not need brain science to build skills. But a simple picture can help.

• The alarm. Deep inside the brain, a small area called the amygdala helps produce strong emotional reactions, especially to threats.¹²
• The planner. The prefrontal cortex, behind the forehead, helps you plan, set priorities and make decisions.¹⁰
• How they connect. When people put feelings into words, part of the front of the brain becomes more active and the amygdala becomes quieter.¹¹ Rethinking a situation, called reappraisal, also uses control areas in the brain to calm the amygdala.¹²

The prefrontal cortex is one of the last areas of the brain to mature. It keeps developing into the mid-to-late 20s, which helps explain why teens may take more risks.¹⁰ Stress can also make it harder for the planner to do its job.⁴

The brain is not fixed. Practice and treatment change how people handle emotions, at any age. In a review of 67 studies, emotion regulation improved after many kinds of therapy for many different conditions.⁹

Other things that can play a part

• Alcohol and drugs. They can seem to help in the moment, but trouble with emotions and substance use often go together. See Substance use.
• Health problems and medicines. In later life, conditions such as dementia or stroke can change emotional control. See Emotion regulation in later life.
• Hormone changes. Some people notice mood changes around menopause. See Menopause and mental health.

No one is to blame

Understanding causes is not about finding someone to blame, including yourself. Many parents did the best they could with what they knew and the stress they carried. Temperament is not chosen. Trauma is never the fault of the person who lived through it.

You cannot change the past. You can learn skills now, and many people do. Being kind to yourself while you learn makes a difference. You might try our self-compassion test or the loving-kindness practice.

When to get help

Talk with a doctor or mental health professional if strong feelings often cause trouble in your life. Tell them about your history, including trauma, sleep problems and any signs of ADHD or autism. Treating these can make emotion regulation easier. See ADHD diagnosis, Autism diagnosis, Insomnia and how to find a therapist.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.