DBT interpersonal skills

Many hard moments in life happen with other people. You may need to ask a busy son for help, tell a doctor you have questions, or say no to a relative who keeps asking for money. Interpersonal effectiveness skills help with these talks. They come from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).^1,2

The goal is to ask for what you need and say no well, while keeping both the relationship and your self-respect.^1,2 This lesson explains three short memory aids: DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST. Each one comes with an everyday example.

Why these skills matter

Strong emotions can make talks go badly. We may blow up, give in, or say nothing and stew. Over time, this can hurt relationships and how we feel about ourselves. People with borderline personality disorder often have intense, unstable relationships, and DBT was built in part to help with that.⁷

But almost everyone can use these skills. Later life brings many conversations that are hard to start: asking family for more help, talking with doctors, sharing care for a parent with siblings, or saying no when you are already worn out.

DBT says each hard talk can have three goals:^1,5,6

Before a talk, take a moment to decide which goal matters most this time. Sometimes you will lean more on GIVE, and sometimes more on FAST.^5,6 Often you will use all three together.

DEAR MAN: asking for what you need

Use DEAR MAN when you want to ask for something, say no, set a limit or share your opinion.⁴ DEAR is about what you say. MAN is about how you say it.⁴

1. D: Describe. Briefly state the facts of the situation. Stick to what happened, without blame. Keep it to one main point.⁴
2. E: Express. Some guides call this step Explain. Say how you feel and why this matters to you. Phrases like "I feel..." work well.⁴
3. A: Assert. Ask clearly for what you want, or say no plainly. Do not expect the other person to guess. This is the step people skip most often.⁴
4. R: Reinforce. Thank the person for listening, or tell them how saying yes could help them too. This is about respecting their side, not tricking them.⁴
5. M: stay Mindful. Keep your goal in mind. If the talk drifts, or the other person gets upset or critical, calmly come back to your request. Repeating it calmly, like a "broken record," is part of this skill.⁴
6. A: Appear confident. Face the person and speak loudly and clearly enough to be heard. Try not to look at the floor. It is fine to ask for time to think.⁴
7. N: Negotiate. Be willing to give a little. Decide ahead of time what you could offer. You can also ask, "What do you think we should do?"⁴

You can change the order of the DEAR steps. When someone is doing something you need to stop right now, you might skip straight to Assert.⁴

An example. You care for your husband, who has memory loss. Your daughter lives nearby but rarely visits. You might say:

• Describe: "Since Dad's diagnosis, I have been with him every day, and I have not had a day off in two months."
• Express: "I am exhausted, and I worry I will get sick myself."
• Assert: "Could you stay with Dad every Saturday afternoon so I can rest?"
• Reinforce: "It would mean so much to me, and Dad lights up when you are here."

If she says she is too busy, stay mindful and gently repeat your request. Then negotiate: "Would every other Saturday work?" For more on dividing care, see sharing care with siblings and family.

GIVE: keeping the relationship

Use GIVE when the relationship matters to you, such as with a spouse, child, friend or coworker. It helps you feel closer and calms conflict.⁵

1. G: be Gentle. No attacks, threats, yelling or name-calling. Avoid judging words like "you should" and judging looks like rolling your eyes.⁵
2. I: act Interested. Listen and ask questions. Do not interrupt. Face the person and put your phone away.⁵
3. V: Validate. Show that you understand how the other person sees things, and that their feelings make sense. Try to see it from their side.⁵
4. E: use an Easy manner. Be kind and a little light. A smile or gentle humor can help, if it fits the moment.⁵

An example. Your sister calls, upset that you moved your mother into memory care without asking her. You feel hurt and want to defend yourself. Instead, you keep your voice soft (Gentle). You ask, "What worries you most about it?" (Interested). You say, "It makes sense you are upset. You love Mom and you were not part of the choice." (Validate). Then you add, warmly, "I would really like your help visiting her." (Easy manner).

Validating is not the same as agreeing. You can understand why someone feels a certain way and still disagree with them.

FAST: keeping your self-respect

Use FAST when you tend to give in, say yes when you mean no, or feel bad about yourself after a talk. FAST is especially helpful for people-pleasers.⁶

1. F: be Fair. Be fair to the other person, and also to yourself. Your needs count as much as theirs.⁶
2. A: no needless Apologies. Do not apologize for asking for something, having an opinion or saying no. If you truly did something wrong, apologize once. Stand tall instead of hanging your head.⁶
3. S: Stick to your values. Know what matters to you, and do not give that up just to be liked.⁶
4. T: be Truthful. Do not lie, exaggerate or act more helpless than you are.⁶

An example. A friend from your place of worship asks you to lead another committee. You are already caring for a grandchild three days a week. You notice the urge to say, "I'm so sorry, I'm terrible, maybe I can..." Instead you say, "Thank you for thinking of me. I can't take this on right now. My plate is full with my grandson." No long apology, no made-up excuse, and you stay true to your value of family first.

Putting the skills together

DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST work best side by side. In one talk, DEAR MAN gives you the words, GIVE keeps the tone warm, and FAST keeps you from caving in.^4,5,6

These skills will not make every person say yes. They do raise the chance that you will be heard, and that you will feel good about how you acted, whatever the answer.

What the research shows

DBT skills are often taught in a weekly group that works like a class. Sessions run about two and a half hours, and the full set of skills takes about 24 weeks.^1,2 Researchers report growing evidence that skills training alone, without individual DBT therapy, can help many groups of people.¹

Try it this week

Common problems

I tried DEAR MAN and the person still said no.

That can happen. The skills raise your chances, but other people still make their own choices. Ask yourself: Did I keep the relationship? Did I keep my self-respect? If yes, the talk still went well. You can negotiate, try again later or find help elsewhere.

I freeze or get too upset to speak.

Calm your body first. A few minutes of paced breathing or the STOP skill can help. You can also say, "I need a minute," or plan to talk another day. Writing your request down can help too.

Isn't asking for things selfish?

No. Healthy relationships need give and take. If one person always gives in, the relationship tends to suffer for both people.⁶ Asking clearly is fairer than hinting or holding a grudge.

It feels fake or like a script.

At first, any new skill feels awkward. Use your own words and only the parts that fit you.^4,5 With practice, it starts to sound like you.

When to get help

Consider a therapist if conflict with family keeps you up at night, if you often feel used or alone, or if your relationships swing between very close and very angry. A DBT skills group or a therapist trained in DBT can help you practice these skills with support. See how to find a therapist and setting boundaries as a caregiver. Therapy for family members can also help when a loved one has borderline personality disorder.⁷

Back to the start: You have finished the four DBT skill lessons. Return to the DBT overview, or review DBT mindfulness skills, the base for everything else.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.