Self-help for anger

You cannot stop anger from showing up. It is a normal feeling. But you can learn to notice it early, cool it down, and choose what you do next. These are skills, and like any skill, they get easier with practice.^1,4

This page covers the self-help skills with the most research behind them. Most come from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) anger programs used by the VA and SAMHSA.^2,4 Use them on their own if your anger is mild, or alongside treatment if it is causing serious problems.

What helps, at a glance

The badges show how strong the research is. See how we rate evidence.

Step 1: Know your anger

You cannot manage what you do not notice. Start by learning two things.

Your triggers. These are the people, places and situations that tend to set you off. Common ones include rude or nosy questions, traffic, long waits, being put on hold, being wrongly accused, and cleaning up other people's messes. Being hungry, lonely or tired can be a trigger too.³

Your warning signs. These are the clues that anger is building:³

• Body: racing heart, tight chest, clenched jaw, fast breathing, hot face, tense shoulders
• Actions: pacing, raised voice, clenched fists, slamming or banging things
• Feelings: feeling disrespected, humiliated, rejected or afraid
• Thoughts: "they did that on purpose," "I'll show them," thinking about revenge

Many programs use an "anger meter" from 1 to 10. A 1 is calm. A 10 means you have lost control and something bad has happened.⁴ Try to notice your anger at a 3 or 4, not an 8. Keeping a short log of what happened, your rating and what you did can show you your patterns.^4,11

Step 2: Take a time-out the right way

A time-out means stepping away before anger gets too high, then coming back to deal with the problem once you are calm. Done badly, it can feel like walking out. Done well, it protects the relationship.

The VA suggests that couples and families agree on a plan ahead of time:⁵

• Either person can call a time-out at any time, and the talk stops right away.
• Pick a signal, such as a word or hand gesture.
• Say where you will be, what you will do and when you will come back.
• During the break, think about how to solve the problem, not about how angry you are.
• Come back as agreed. Take turns talking, listen without interrupting, and use "I" statements.

You can also take an informal time-out when there is no plan, such as at work: excuse yourself, get some air, and come back later.²

Step 3: Calm your body

Anger revs the body up. Calming skills turn it back down. A 2024 review of 154 studies found that activities that lower arousal, such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation, meditation, mindfulness and slow yoga, reduced anger and aggression. They worked in groups or alone, in person or online, and for people of many ages.⁶

Try these:

• Slow your breathing. Breathe in through your nose, deep into your belly, then breathe out slowly. Even 60 to 90 seconds can help.² Try cyclic sighing or box breathing.
• Relax your muscles. Tense and release your shoulders, jaw and hands. A short session takes 3 to 15 minutes.² See muscle relaxation.
• Pause. Count slowly to 10 before you respond.^8,11
• Cool down. Splash cold water on your face, or picture a calm place.¹¹
• Ground yourself. Notice five things you can see and four things you can hear. See grounding.

Practice when you are calm, so the skill is there when you need it. Our DBT distress tolerance skills offer more ways to get through a hot moment.

Step 4: Rethink hot thoughts

Anger grows from how we read a situation, not just from the situation itself.² CBT calls changing these thoughts "cognitive restructuring." Try these steps:

• Drop "always" and "never." "You never listen" is rarely true, and it makes both of you angrier.¹
• Turn demands into wishes. "People must treat me fairly" becomes "I would like to be treated fairly."¹
• Check the facts. Did they do it on purpose, or were they rushed, tired or careless?
• Remind yourself what anger can and cannot do. Staying angry will not fix what upset you.¹¹

Write down the thought, the evidence for and against it, and a calmer, fairer way to see it. Our thought check tool walks you through this. For a full course, see CBT week 3: challenging thoughts.

Step 5: Solve the real problem

Sometimes anger points to a real problem that needs fixing. The APA suggests making a plan and checking your progress, rather than looking for a perfect answer right away.¹

1. Name the problem in one sentence.
2. List a few possible solutions, even imperfect ones.
3. Pick one, try it, and see how it goes.
4. Do not punish yourself if it takes a few tries.

If the same trigger keeps coming up, change what you can. Take a different route to avoid traffic. Close the door on a messy room. Do not start hard talks late at night when you are tired.¹ See problem-solving therapy.

Step 6: Say it calmly and clearly

There are three main ways to respond when you are upset:²

• Aggressive: yelling, blaming, threats. You may get your way in the moment, but people come to fear or avoid you.
• Passive: saying nothing, then stewing. Problems go unsolved and resentment builds.
• Assertive: saying what you feel and need, firmly and with respect. This is the healthiest way to express anger.¹

To be assertive, slow down. Listen to what the other person is saying. Try "I" statements, such as "I feel upset when plans change at the last minute. Can we agree on a plan?"^1,5 Our communication style quiz and DBT interpersonal skills can help you practice.

Look after your body

• Sleep. In an experiment with 142 adults, cutting back on sleep for two nights made people angrier.⁹ See healthy sleep habits.
• Eat regular meals. Hunger is a common trigger.³
• Move regularly. Exercise such as walking, swimming or yoga can help you relax and lower stress.⁸ One note: a hard run in the heat of anger did not reduce anger in studies.⁶ Make exercise a regular habit rather than a way to burn off rage.
• Go easy on alcohol and drugs. Heavy drinking raises the risk of violence.¹⁰ Using alcohol, drugs or gambling to cope with anger can make things worse.⁸ If cutting back is hard, the free SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 can help you find treatment, 24 hours a day.¹²

Why venting does not work

The idea that you should "let anger out" is very old, and it is wrong. Researchers call it catharsis.

• In a classic experiment, people were made angry. Then some hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who angered them. They became angrier and more aggressive. Doing nothing at all worked better.⁷
• A 2024 review of 154 studies found that activities that rev the body up, such as hitting a bag, jogging or cycling, did not reduce anger overall. Activities that calm the body did.⁶
• SAMHSA's anger manual notes that venting in aggressive ways tends to strengthen aggressive habits.⁴

So skip the "rage rooms" and pillow punching. Calm down first. Talk it through later.

Make your calm-down plan

Write your plan down while you are calm. Keep it on your phone or fridge.

1. List your top three triggers. For example: traffic, criticism, being interrupted.
2. List your early warning signs. What happens in your body and thoughts at a 3 or 4 on the anger meter?
3. Choose your "stop" signal. A word you say to yourself, or a signal you agreed on with your family.
4. Pick two calming skills. For example, five slow breaths and a 10-minute walk.
5. Write one calming thought. "This is not worth my health," or "I can handle this later."
6. Decide when and how you will come back to talk or solve the problem.
7. Name one person to call if you need support.

Our free calm plan tool can help you build this. The VA's free online AIMS course also walks you through an anger control plan.²

Common questions

Is it OK to walk away in the middle of an argument?

Yes, if you say you are taking a break and when you will come back. Walking out without a word can feel like rejection. Agreeing on a time-out plan in advance helps.⁵

What if the other person won't let me take a time-out?

Say calmly that you need a break to stay calm and will come back. If someone blocks you from leaving or threatens you, that is a safety issue. Leave if you can and get help.

How long before I see a change?

It varies. With counseling, the APA says very angry people often move toward a middle range in about 8 to 10 weeks.¹ Self-help may be slower, so be patient and keep practicing.

When self-help is not enough

See a doctor or mental health professional if:

• You have tried these skills for several weeks and anger is still frequent or intense
• You have hurt someone, broken things or gotten into legal trouble
• You drink or use drugs to cope
• You also feel low, anxious or on edge most of the time

Treatment for anger problems explains how anger management therapy works. You can also take our MindCheck self-check to see how your anger compares and share the results with a professional.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.