Helping someone with an anger problem

Living with someone who has a short fuse can wear you down. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, keeping the peace, or wondering whether you are to blame. You are not responsible for another person's anger. And your safety, and the safety of any children in the home, comes first.^3,7

This page helps you tell an anger problem from abuse and stay safe. It also covers how to talk when things are calm, how to encourage help, and how to look after yourself.

Is it an anger problem or abuse?

Someone with an anger problem may lose their temper in many places: at work, in traffic, with friends and with family.

Abuse is different. It is a pattern of behavior used to gain power and control over a partner or family member. A person who is abusive often acts differently when other people are around.³ The National Domestic Violence Hotline points out that if anger were the real problem, it would show up with friends, family and coworkers too, not mostly with a partner.⁴

Abuse is common. More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the U.S. have experienced physical or sexual violence or stalking by a partner.⁶ Abuse also includes psychological aggression, which means words or actions meant to hurt someone emotionally or control them.⁶

Warning signs of abuse

The Hotline lists these red flags, among others:²

• Putting you down or making you feel small
• Acting in ways that frighten you
• Controlling who you see, where you go or what you do
• Keeping you from friends and family
• Taking or withholding money you need
• Blaming you for the abuse, or denying it happened
• Destroying your things or threatening your pets
• Using guns, knives or other weapons to frighten you
• Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting
• Threatening to hurt or kill you, or threatening suicide because of something you did
• Pressuring you into sex

These behaviors often start small and get worse over time.² Our unhealthy relationship warning signs checklist can help you think it through.

Staying safe

If someone's anger has ever made you afraid, take that feeling seriously.

A safety plan is a set of steps you work out ahead of time. It might include a safe place to go, important things to take with you, and people you can call. You decide what feels safest for you, including whether to stay or leave.³ If there are guns in the home and the person has made threats, tell an advocate or the police.

If you are worried about someone else

Maybe you think a friend, sister or adult child is being hurt by a partner. The Hotline suggests:³

• Keep in touch, and ask how they would like you to contact them so it is safe.
• Listen without judging. Tell them the abuse is not their fault.
• Focus on the behavior, not on attacking the partner, which can make them defensive.
• Offer emotional or practical support.
• Help them find resources and make a safety plan.
• Do not insist that they "just leave" or try to rescue them. That can be dangerous and can add to the pressure they already feel.

Talking about anger when things are calm

If the person is not abusive, and you feel safe, a calm talk can help. Never try to reason with someone in the middle of an outburst. Step away and come back later.

Pick your time. Choose a calm moment when you are both rested. Avoid late at night or when either of you is tired or distracted.⁹

Use "I" statements. "You" statements can sound like an attack. Try:⁷

• "I feel scared when you yell and slam doors."
• "I want us to be able to disagree without shouting."
• "I love you, and I am worried about how angry you have been lately."

Be specific. Describe what happened and how it affected you, rather than labeling the person.

Listen. Take turns. Do not interrupt. Stay open to their ideas.⁷

Agree on a time-out plan. The VA suggests that either person can call a time-out, using a word or signal you choose together. When it is called, the talk stops. Each person says where they will be and when they will come back. Then you return and work on the problem together.⁷

Encouraging help

You cannot force an adult to get help. But you can make it easier.

• Point to what they care about, such as their health, their job or their children, rather than calling them an "angry person."
• Suggest a checkup. A doctor can look for things that feed anger. See Signs and causes of anger problems.
• Share information. See Treatment for anger problems and Self-help for anger.
• Look for programs that teach skills. The American Psychological Association suggests avoiding programs that only encourage people to vent their feelings.⁹
• Offer to help find a therapist or go with them to the first visit.

If the person is abusive, couples therapy is not recommended. Abuse is not a relationship problem two people share, and what is said in sessions can be used against the partner at home.⁵ Programs built for people who abuse focus on accountability and safety instead of anger alone.⁴ The best reason to join one is a real wish to change.⁴

If alcohol or drugs are part of the picture, the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 is free, confidential and open 24/7. It offers treatment referrals and information for individuals and families.¹¹ See Helping someone with a substance use problem.

When the angry person is an older parent or spouse

New anger or aggression in an older adult deserves a medical checkup. Anger and irritability in later life explains possible causes, such as pain, infections, medicines and dementia. See also Agitation and aggression in dementia.

Older adults can also be the ones who are harmed. About 1 in 10 older adults who live at home experience abuse, often by a caregiver or someone they trust. To find help, contact the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.⁸ See Elder abuse.

Looking after yourself

Living with someone's anger is stressful. Your health matters too. The VA suggests:⁷

• Let go of the idea that you should have all the answers. Do not blame yourself for feeling helpless.
• Keep up your own activities, hobbies and friendships.
• Take time alone to recharge.
• Get regular exercise and eat well.
• Lean on family, friends, support groups and health professionals.
• See a doctor if you feel sick, sad or hopeless.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is not only for people in crisis. It also supports people who are worried about a loved one, or who simply need to talk. Call or text 988.¹⁰ See caregiver burnout and when a family member is in a mental health crisis.

Common questions

Is it my fault that they get so angry?

No. Each person is responsible for how they act when they are angry. If someone blames you for their abuse, that is itself a warning sign.² Abuse is never the victim's fault.³

Should we try couples counseling?

If there is no abuse and no one is afraid, couples counseling can help with conflict. If there is abuse, it is not recommended. Talk with a Hotline advocate first.⁵

Can someone who abuses change?

Some people do, but it takes real effort and accountability over time. Specialized programs aim to help people stop controlling behavior, respect their partner's choices and build trust.⁴ Your safety should not depend on whether they change.

When to get help

Reach out for help if:

• You feel afraid of the person, or you change what you do to avoid their anger
• They have threatened, pushed, hit or choked you, or broken your things
• Children in the home are frightened or are seeing outbursts
• You feel worn out, anxious or low much of the time

Call 911 if anyone is in immediate danger. Call 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support with an abusive relationship. Call or text 988 if you or the person has thoughts of suicide.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.