Signs of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can be hard to spot, even in yourself. When you have believed something harsh about yourself for years, it can feel like a plain fact rather than an opinion.¹ You might just think of yourself as "realistic" or "not that kind of person."

This page describes common signs of low self-esteem in thoughts, feelings, actions and relationships. It also covers fragile self-worth, which can look like confidence from the outside. No one has every sign, and having a few does not mean something is wrong with you. The point is to notice patterns you might want to change.

Signs in your thoughts

The clearest signs are often in how you talk to yourself.

• A harsh inner critic. You often put yourself down or call yourself names like "stupid," "useless" or "not good enough." This voice tends to get louder under stress.¹
• Brushing off the good. You wave away compliments. When something goes well, you put it down to luck. When something goes badly, you dwell on it.¹
• Expecting the worst. Before a new task or social event, you predict that you will fail, look foolish or be rejected. These predictions drive anxiety and avoidance.³
• Comparing and coming up short. You measure yourself against others and nearly always lose. In young people, comparing themselves with others on social media is linked with body dissatisfaction, disordered eating and symptoms of depression.¹¹
• Doubting your success. You feel your achievements do not reflect your own skills.¹

Signs in your feelings

• Sadness, anxiety, guilt, shame, frustration or anger that come up often¹
• Feeling deeply hurt by criticism, even mild or helpful criticism¹
• Feeling you do not deserve fun, rest or good things¹
• A sense of shame, as if something is wrong with you at the core³

Signs in what you do

Low self-esteem often shows in habits that feel safe at the moment:

• Avoiding challenges. You stay away from new experiences, opportunities or any situation where you might be judged.^1,2
• People-pleasing. You go to great lengths to win approval and avoid disapproval.¹ Saying yes when you want to say no can leave you overloaded, resentful or depressed.²
• Perfectionism and overwork. You push yourself very hard to make up for feeling "not enough," or you only let people see you when everything looks flawless.¹
• Seeking reassurance or over-preparing. You check your work many times, rehearse what to say, or keep asking others if things are all right.³
• Not looking after yourself. Some people let self-care slide or use alcohol or drugs to cope. Others become very focused on how they look.¹
• Holding back at work or school. Some people underachieve because they doubt their ability.¹

You can check two common patterns with our people-pleasing checklist and perfectionism checklist.

Signs in relationships

• Finding it hard to speak up for your needs or say no^1,2
• Putting up with poor treatment, or not protecting yourself from it¹
• Going along with what others want, even when it costs you¹
• Shyness, self-consciousness, or pulling away from closeness¹

Try our healthy boundaries quiz, and see DBT skills for asking for what you need.

Why these habits keep low self-esteem going

In a well-known cognitive behavioral model, first described by psychologist Melanie Fennell, deep negative beliefs about yourself lead to worried predictions. Those predictions lead to avoidance and other "safety" habits. The habits stop you from finding out that the belief might be wrong. When something does go badly, self-criticism and low mood follow, and the belief grows stronger. This forms a vicious circle.³

Here is an example. You expect to sound foolish, so you stay quiet at a meeting. You feel relief. But you never learn that people might have valued your idea. Next time, staying quiet feels even more necessary. Breaking this circle is a main goal of CBT for low self-esteem.³ See What shapes self-esteem and Building self-esteem.

Signs of fragile or contingent self-worth

Some people seem confident but have self-worth that rests on conditions. Psychologists call this contingent self-worth. People may stake their worth on their looks, other people's approval, success at work or school, competition, or being a good person.⁴

When your worth depends on outcomes, signs can include:⁴

• Your mood soars with success or praise and crashes with failure or criticism
• Mistakes feel like a threat to who you are, not a chance to learn
• You make excuses, get defensive, or avoid feedback
• You put off tasks or hold back effort, so you have an excuse if things go wrong
• You feel driven by "I must" rather than "I want to"
• You are so focused on how you come across that you miss what others need

In a study of college freshmen, basing self-worth on outside things, like looks, approval and competition, was linked with more problems, such as heavier drinking and disordered eating.⁴

Narcissism, a sense of being superior to others, is not the same as high self-esteem. In a study of 565 children, being overvalued by parents predicted narcissism, while parental warmth predicted healthy self-esteem.⁸ Read more in Self-esteem and mental health.

How it can look in later life

Retirement, illness, losses and other people's attitudes toward age can shake self-worth in later life. Signs may include:

• Feeling useless. The World Health Organization (WHO) counts agreeing that you feel more useless as you get older as a form of ageism aimed at yourself. Negative views of your own aging predict worse health habits, such as not taking prescribed medicine.⁹
• Resisting help. Some older adults feel embarrassed to use a cane, hearing aid or memory aid. In one study, older adults who were kinder to themselves were less bothered about using this kind of help.¹⁰
• Pulling back. Turning down invitations, or giving up activities because you feel you have nothing to offer.¹

See Self-esteem in later life.

Is it low self-esteem, or something more?

Low self-esteem is not a diagnosis on its own, but it can be part of a health condition.

• Depression. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt are a symptom of depression. If they come with low mood or loss of interest most days, plus changes in sleep, appetite or energy, talk with a doctor.⁵ See Signs and symptoms of depression.
• Social anxiety. People with social anxiety disorder have an intense fear of being watched or judged. They often go over their performance afterward, focus on their flaws, and avoid social situations.⁶ See Social anxiety.
• Eating disorders. Low self-esteem, perfectionism and being criticized about weight or shape are among the things that make an eating disorder more likely.⁷ See Eating disorders.

Common questions

Can a confident person have low self-esteem?

Yes. Some people make up for feeling inadequate by working very hard or aiming to look perfect.¹ Others have fragile self-worth that looks strong until something goes wrong.⁴

Is low self-esteem the same as being modest?

No. Modesty means not making a fuss about your strengths. Low self-esteem means not believing you have them, or believing your worth is low.

I scored low on the self-esteem test. What should I do?

A low score is a reason to look closer, not a diagnosis.¹² Notice which statements were hardest to agree with. Then see Building self-esteem and Self-compassion. If your mood is also low, check in with a doctor.

When to get help

Talk with a doctor, counselor or therapist if:

• Harsh thoughts about yourself are present most days and are hard to switch off
• You avoid work, people or activities you care about because of fear of judgment
• You have low mood, loss of interest, or feel hopeless for two weeks or more⁵
• You are cutting back on food, bingeing, or drinking to cope
• You stay in a relationship where you are belittled, controlled or hurt

You can get a rough picture first with our self-esteem test or MindCheck. The Rosenberg scale has no official cut-off for "low" self-esteem.¹² Treat your score as a starting point for reflection, not a label.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.