What shapes self-esteem

There is no single cause of low self-esteem. It grows out of many things: what happened to you as a child, how people treated you later on, the groups you belong to, your health and your temperament.^1,3 Most often, several of these add up over time.

Knowing where your self-esteem came from can be a relief. It shows that harsh beliefs about yourself were learned, often when you were too young to see the situation clearly. A belief that was learned can be questioned and changed. This page explains the main influences and the way cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) makes sense of them.

Early experiences

Children try to make sense of what happens to them. If they are often hurt, ignored or put down, they may decide the problem is them. Experiences that can lead to low self-esteem include:¹

• Harsh, unpredictable or extreme punishment, neglect, abandonment or abuse
• Constant criticism, teasing, or a focus on mistakes and flaws
• Feeling like the odd one out, with your interests or gifts unnoticed
• Struggling to keep up with peers, for example in looks, and being mocked for it
• Parents or caregivers so stressed or unwell that they had little attention or patience to give
• Belonging to a family or group that faced prejudice
• Little praise, warmth or affection

Research backs up the role of the early home. A U.S. study followed 8,711 young people and their mothers from birth. The quality of the home in the first six years predicted self-esteem from age 8 all the way to 27. Quality included parenting, mental stimulation and the physical home. Poverty, a mother's depression, the parents' relationship and whether a father was present also played a part.⁴

Two points give hope. First, the effects of early life shrank as people grew older.⁴ Early life shapes you, but it does not decide your future. Second, what helps is warmth, not over-the-top praise. In a study of 565 children, parental warmth predicted healthy self-esteem. Parents who overvalued their child, seeing the child as more special than others, predicted narcissism instead.⁵

If you grew up with abuse, neglect or a chaotic home, see Childhood adversity and Healing as an adult.

Criticism, bullying and rejection

Being rejected, left out, criticized or loved only "when you are good" can teach you that your worth is conditional.³ Bullying is a clear example. Children who are bullied may struggle with self-esteem and feelings of shame. The health and social effects of bullying can last into adulthood.⁶

Adults can be bullied too. Bullying or intimidation at work, or a partner who puts you down, can wear away self-esteem that was once solid.¹ For young people, see Bullying.

Trauma

Trauma early in life can leave a person feeling worthless, or even feeling that they deserved to be punished. This can make it harder to learn healthy ways of coping.³ Trauma later in life can also lower self-esteem.¹ If painful memories, nightmares or a constant sense of danger are part of your picture, see PTSD and Therapy for PTSD.

Discrimination and prejudice

Being treated unfairly because of race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, weight, age or another part of who you are can affect how you see yourself. People in groups that others look down on face more of the rejection and put-downs that feed low self-esteem.³

A large review combined 328 results from more than 144,000 people. Feeling discriminated against was linked with poorer well-being, including lower self-esteem and more depression and anxiety. The link held in long-term studies that took earlier well-being into account. It was stronger for people in disadvantaged groups and for children.⁷

Feeling hurt by discrimination is not a weakness. The cause sits outside you. The 2023 CBT model of low self-esteem says therapy should take social and cultural factors into account. Working on your own beliefs does not stop you from also standing up to prejudice.³ In later life, ageism can play a similar role. See Self-esteem in later life.

Life events, health and body changes

Self-esteem can drop at any age after a hard event. Examples include:^1,9

• Serious illness, injury or long-term pain
• The death of someone close
• Long money problems
• Ongoing stress, or an abusive relationship
• Struggling to meet your own expectations, or other people's

Health problems can also shake how you see yourself.¹ In later life, health and income are linked with keeping self-esteem steady. Role changes, such as retirement, children leaving home or skills that are no longer needed at work, may also play a part.¹⁰

Social comparison and social media

People naturally compare themselves with others. Social media makes it easy to compare your everyday life with other people's best moments.

In a survey cited by the U.S. Surgeon General, 46% of teens ages 13 to 17 said social media made them feel worse about their bodies. Only 14% said it made them feel better.⁸ In a study of nearly 11,000 14-year-olds, more social media use predicted poor body image and low self-esteem, with a larger link for girls. Comparing yourself with others online is linked with body dissatisfaction, disordered eating and symptoms of depression.⁸

Most of this research is in young people, but adults compare too. See Social media and Body image.

Temperament and personality

Personality plays a part. Some people are more prone to negative thinking, and some set very high standards for themselves.⁹ Temperament, genes and biology can affect both what happens to you and how strongly it affects you.³ See Personality.

How CBT explains low self-esteem

In 1997, psychologist Melanie Fennell described a cognitive model of low self-esteem. It builds on Aaron Beck's model of emotional disorders.² Researchers updated it in 2023.³ Here is the model in plain words.

1. Experiences. Painful experiences, often early in life, teach you something about your worth.
2. The "bottom line." You form a deep belief about yourself, such as "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable." Core beliefs feel like facts because they formed when you had no other way to explain what happened.¹
3. Rules for living. To protect yourself from that belief, you make rules. "I must never make a mistake." "If I say what I think, people will reject me." "I should always put others first."¹¹
4. Trigger situations. As long as you keep your rules, you may feel fine. When a rule is broken, or might be, the bottom line switches on.³
5. Predictions and safety habits. You expect the worst and feel anxious. So you avoid, over-prepare or seek reassurance. These habits stop you from finding out whether the belief is true.³
6. Self-criticism and low mood. If things go badly, you blame yourself. Your mood drops, and the bottom line feels even more true.³

A newer version of the model, published in 2023, adds two points. Low self-esteem can center on feeling inadequate (not worth much, not respected) or on feeling disconnected (not liked, not included), or both. It also notes beliefs about others, such as "people look down on me," and strong feelings of shame.³

Rules for living, and kinder versions

Rules are not always bad. Helpful rules are realistic and flexible. Unhelpful rules are rigid, use words like "must," "always" and "never," and set you up to fail.¹¹

These examples are ours. Changing a rule takes practice, not just new words. See Building self-esteem and CBT week 5: core beliefs.

Why low self-esteem can come and go

Because rules keep the bottom line out of sight, low self-esteem can lie quiet for years. Then a loss, a failure or a rejection breaks a rule, and old beliefs return. You may even hear an old critic's words in your head.¹ This may help explain why self-esteem can drop after a big change, such as retirement, illness or the end of a relationship.

When to get help

You do not need to work out every cause on your own. Talk with a counselor or therapist if:

• Memories of abuse, neglect or trauma still feel raw
• You were bullied or treated unfairly and it still shapes how you see yourself
• Harsh beliefs about yourself affect your work, relationships or health
• You also have low mood, anxiety or eating problems

See Therapy for low self-esteem and Finding a therapist.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.