Self-compassion

Self-compassion means treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend who is going through a hard time. When you make a mistake, fail at something or feel pain, you respond with warmth and understanding instead of harsh judgment.¹

Self-esteem asks, "How good am I?" Self-compassion asks a different question: "What do I need right now?" It does not depend on being successful or better than others, so it can be there on your worst days. And it can be learned at any age.

What is self-compassion?

In Neff's model, self-compassion has three parts. Each one has an opposite that pulls the other way.¹

You can check where you stand with our self-compassion test. It uses the short form of Neff's Self-Compassion Scale.

Self-compassion and self-esteem

Self-esteem is a judgment about your worth. Self-compassion is a way of treating yourself, especially when your sense of worth is shaken. Someone can have fairly high self-esteem and still be harsh with themselves after a failure.

The two are closely related. A 2023 review combined 76 studies with more than 35,000 people. Self-esteem and self-compassion were strongly connected. Both had similar links with well-being and with mental health problems. Each also added something the other did not. The authors called them complementary.³

So you do not have to choose. For many people, self-compassion is a gentler way in. You do not have to believe you are great. You only have to treat yourself decently while you struggle. See Self-esteem and Building self-esteem.

What the research shows

Mental health. A review of 14 studies found a large link between self-compassion and lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress.² This kind of review looks at links, so it cannot show cause.

Later life. In a study of 185 adults age 65 and older, those with more self-compassion reported more positive mood, a stronger sense of meaning, and more peace with the life they had lived. They also reported less negative mood.⁹ In another set of studies, older adults in good health had high well-being whatever their level of self-compassion. Among those in poorer health, the more self-compassionate people had higher well-being.¹⁰

Programs that teach it. A 2019 review pooled 27 randomized trials of self-compassion training. Compared with control groups, people who took part had moderate improvements in self-compassion, depression, anxiety, stress and self-criticism. They had larger drops in rumination (going over problems again and again). Gains in depression kept growing after the programs ended. Group programs worked better than individual ones. The programs varied a lot, and the authors noted possible publication bias.⁴

Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC). MSC is an 8-week group course created by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer.^1,5 In a trial in Spain, 170 adults took either MSC or a mindfulness course for 8 weeks, then met weekly to practice for a year. Both groups improved more than a waiting-list group on anxiety, depression and stress, and gains lasted a year. Self-compassion rose more with MSC. The waiting-list group was not randomly assigned, which limits the findings.⁵

Compassion-focused therapy (CFT). CFT is a therapy for people who struggle with shame and self-criticism. A 2025 review of 21 studies with 450 people in clinical care found that CFT raised self-compassion and lowered self-criticism. Many studies were small and few had comparison groups.⁶

Loving-kindness meditation. This practice means silently wishing yourself and others well. A review of 24 studies with 1,759 people found it boosted daily positive emotions by a medium amount compared with waiting lists.⁷ Try our guided loving-kindness practice.

See how we rate evidence.

Common myths

Isn't self-compassion just self-pity?

No. Self-pity tends to make you feel alone with your troubles. Self-compassion includes remembering that struggle is part of everyone's life. It also asks you to notice pain without being swallowed by it.¹

Won't being kind to myself make me lazy?

Research points the other way. In four experiments, people who were encouraged to be self-compassionate were more likely to believe a weakness could change. They felt more motivated to make amends for a wrong. After failing a test, they studied longer for the next one.⁸

Isn't it selfish, or a sign of weakness?

Neff's 2023 review addresses these myths. It concludes that research does not support the idea that self-compassion is weak or selfish, or that it saps motivation.¹

Is self-compassion the same as positive thinking?

No. You do not have to pretend things are fine. Self-compassion starts by admitting that something hurts. Then you respond to that hurt with care.

A short practice (about 3 minutes)

Try this the next time you notice your inner critic. It follows the three parts of self-compassion.

1. Pause and name it. Notice what you feel. Say to yourself, "This is a hard moment," or "I feel ashamed right now."
2. Remember you are not alone. Remind yourself, "Other people feel this way too. Struggling is part of being human."
3. Offer kindness. Some people find it helps to put a hand on their chest. Then say what you would say to a friend: "It makes sense that you're upset. You're doing the best you can."
4. Ask what you need. Rest? Help? A plan? A walk? A glass of water?
5. Take one small, kind step, even if it is tiny.

If self-compassion feels hard

For people who grew up with criticism, being kind to themselves can feel strange, undeserved or even upsetting at first. This does not mean you are doing it wrong. Start small, with one kind sentence a day. If feelings of shame are very strong, a therapist trained in compassion-focused therapy or CBT can help you go at a safe pace. See Therapy for low self-esteem.

Notes for older adults and caregivers

Self-compassion may matter most when life gets harder.¹⁰ Older adults who were more self-compassionate were less bothered by needing help, such as aids for walking, hearing or memory.¹⁰ That can make it easier to accept support that keeps you active and safe.

If you are a caregiver, feelings of sadness, frustration and guilt are normal and understandable.¹¹ They do not make you a bad caregiver. Offering yourself the patience you give the person you care for can help you keep going. See Caregiver burnout and Self-esteem in later life.

When to get help

Self-compassion is a skill, not a cure. See a doctor or therapist if:

• Harsh self-criticism or shame is there most days and gets in the way of life
• You have low mood, loss of interest or hopelessness for two weeks or more
• You hurt yourself, or think about it, when you feel you have failed

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.