Building self-esteem

Self-esteem can grow at any age. It does not grow by repeating slogans in the mirror. It grows when you change how you talk to yourself and test old beliefs against the facts. It also grows when you do things that matter to you, even before you feel ready.

These steps come mostly from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and related approaches. You can try them on your own. Pick one or two to start, and give them a few weeks. Change is usually slow and uneven, and that is normal.

What helps, at a glance

The badges show how strong the research is. See how we rate evidence.

1. Notice your self-talk

You cannot change a voice you do not hear. For a week, try to catch the moments when you put yourself down. Clues include a sudden drop in mood, or feeling guilty, ashamed or hopeless.²

Write down the exact words, such as "I'm so stupid" or "Nobody wants me here." Notice any labels you use for yourself. For now, just notice. You will check the thoughts in the next step.

2. Use a thought record

A thought record is a simple worksheet for looking at a harsh thought more closely. Writing works better than trying to do this in your head.²

1. The situation. What happened? Stick to the facts.
2. The thought. What did you tell yourself? Rate how strongly you believe it, from 0 to 100%.
3. The feelings. Name them and rate how strong they are.
4. Check the thought. What is the evidence for it, and against it? Is it a fact or an opinion? Am I ignoring anything positive? What would I say to a friend in my place?²
5. A balanced view. Write a fairer statement that fits all the evidence, not just the bad parts.
6. Re-rate. How much do you believe the first thought now? How strong are the feelings?²

Our free thought check tool and Thought Detective walk you through it. See also CBT week 2: tracking thoughts and week 3: challenging thoughts.

3. Keep a positive qualities log

Low self-esteem filters out the good. A positive qualities log helps you notice it on purpose.³

1. Make a list. Write down your good qualities, skills and things you have achieved or come through. Small things count. Take a few days if you need to.³
2. Use prompts if you get stuck. What do people thank you for? What would a friend say about you? What have you coped with?³
3. Find examples. For each quality, recall a time you showed it.
4. Log it daily. Each evening, write down three things you did and the quality each one shows. If three feels like too many, start with one.³
5. Look back. Read your log at the end of each week. Let it sink in.

The NHS also suggests writing down at least five things you like about yourself.¹

A word about positive affirmations

Many people repeat positive statements to themselves, like "I am wonderful," and believe it helps.⁶ For people with high self-esteem, this may help a little. But in experiments, people with low self-esteem who repeated "I'm a lovable person" felt worse afterward.⁶ A statement that feels false may stir up all the reasons you doubt it.

A fair, believable statement may suit you better. "I'm learning to handle this" is easier to believe than "I'm perfect." The goal is a fair view of yourself, not a flattering one.

4. Rewrite a rule for living

People with low self-esteem often live by strict rules, such as "I must never let anyone down." These rules are meant to protect you, but they set you up to feel like a failure.⁴

1. Pick one rule that causes you trouble.
2. Look at its cost. How does it affect your relationships, work, rest and mood?
3. Trace its roots. Where did it come from? Does it still fit your life today?
4. Weigh it up. List its advantages and disadvantages.
5. Write a kinder version. Swap "must" and "never" for words like "prefer" or "sometimes." Keep any useful part.⁴
6. Act on the new rule in small ways, and notice what happens.

See What shapes self-esteem and CBT week 5: core beliefs.

5. Act on your values

Values are what matter most to you, such as family, learning, faith, fairness or being useful. You do not need high self-esteem to act on them. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) helps people take steps toward their values while making room for doubt and fear. In a review of 39 trials in people with mental or physical health problems, ACT worked better than waiting lists and usual care, and about as well as CBT.⁷

Researchers who study self-esteem also suggest goals that are bigger than yourself, or good for others as well as you.⁸ Try our values compass and ACT lesson 1: values.

6. Set small, doable goals

Reaching a goal you set for yourself can boost your confidence.¹ Choose something small and specific, like "Call one friend this week" or "Sign up for the class." Then notice that you did it.

You can also treat a goal as an experiment. If you believe "People will laugh if I speak up," try saying one thing at a meeting and see what really happens. See CBT week 4: behavior experiments.

7. Learn to be assertive and say no

Being assertive means respecting your own needs as well as other people's. Saying no usually does not damage a relationship.¹

1. Start small, with low-stakes requests.
2. Keep it short. "No, I can't this time" is enough. You do not owe a long excuse.
3. Use "I" statements. "I need to leave by five" rather than "You always keep me late."
4. Repeat calmly if someone pushes. You can say it again in different words.¹

Try our healthy boundaries quiz and see DBT skills for asking for what you need. If you are a family caregiver, see Setting boundaries as a caregiver.

8. Compare less

Social media makes comparing easy. In young people, comparing themselves with others online is linked with body dissatisfaction, disordered eating and symptoms of depression.⁹

• Notice when scrolling leaves you feeling worse, and stop.
• Unfollow accounts that make you feel "less than."
• Compare yourself with your own past, not with other people's highlight reels.
• Set screen-free times, such as during meals and the hour before bed.

9. Do something kind

Doing kind things for others can lift your own well-being. A review of 27 studies with about 4,000 people found a small-to-medium boost. It did not matter much what kind of act it was.¹⁰ Helping a neighbor, volunteering or sending a note of thanks all count. It can also remind you that you have something to offer.

10. Spend time with supportive people

Self-esteem and relationships feed each other. In long-term studies, good relationships predicted higher self-esteem later, and higher self-esteem predicted better relationships later. The effects were small but went both ways, across all ages studied.¹¹ The NHS suggests spending less time with people who bring you down, and more with people who support you.¹ See Ways to feel more connected.

11. Be kind to yourself

Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.¹ In trials, self-compassion programs eased depression, anxiety, stress and self-criticism.¹² See Self-compassion for a short practice, and try loving-kindness.

Notes for older adults

These steps work at any age. Some points for later life:

• Update old rules. "I must always be the one who helps" may not fit after a health change. A kinder rule can let you accept help without feeling useless.
• Count all kinds of contribution. Listening, sharing what you know, and caring for grandchildren or neighbors are real contributions.
• Watch out for ageist self-talk, such as "I'm too old to learn that." Check it like any other harsh thought.

See Self-esteem in later life and Purpose and meaning.

Common questions

How long does it take to build self-esteem?

It varies. CBT programs for low self-esteem often run for 8 to 10 weekly sessions, with practice between sessions.⁵ Think in terms of weeks and months, not days.

What if I can't think of anything good about myself?

Low self-esteem tends to hide the good, which is exactly why the log helps. Start with tiny things, like "I got up and made breakfast." Ask someone who cares about you to suggest a quality.³

When self-help is not enough

See a doctor or therapist if:

• You have tried these steps for several weeks and nothing has shifted
• Low self-esteem comes with low mood, anxiety, or eating or drinking problems
• Painful memories of abuse, bullying or trauma keep coming back
• You cannot manage work, relationships or self-care

See Therapy for low self-esteem.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.