Healing from childhood adversity as an adult

If you had a hard childhood, you may have spent years just getting through. Healing is possible at any age. It rarely happens all at once. It usually comes in small steps: feeling a little safer, a little steadier, a little kinder toward yourself.

This page covers self-help steps and how strong the research is for each. Self-help can be a good start, and it works well alongside therapy. It is not a replacement for professional care when symptoms are strong.

What helps, at a glance

The badges show how strong the research is for each step. See how we rate evidence.

1. Understand what happened, and how it may still affect you

Many adults who grew up with fear or chaos learned ways to stay safe. You may have learned to watch for danger all the time, to keep quiet, to please others or to shut feelings off. These were ways to survive. Some of them may not serve you now.

The VA's National Center for PTSD notes that stress reactions after trauma are common and that learning healthy ways to cope takes practice.⁸ You may notice patterns like these:

• Feeling on guard, jumpy or easily startled
• Trouble trusting people, or trusting too quickly
• Harsh self-talk, shame or a sense of being "bad"
• Putting other people's needs first and losing track of your own
• Feeling numb, far away or cut off from your body
• Strong reactions that seem bigger than the moment

Naming a pattern is not the same as fixing it. But it can replace "What is wrong with me?" with "What happened to me, and what do I need now?" Our fight, flight, freeze or fawn quiz can help you notice your own stress reactions. If several of these patterns are strong, read Signs and symptoms of PTSD.

2. Safety and stability first

Healing goes best on solid ground. Before digging into the past, check the present:

• Are you safe now? If a partner or family member is hurting or controlling you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. It is open 24 hours a day.⁹
• Are you using alcohol or drugs to cope? The SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day. It can connect you with treatment.¹⁰ See Substance use.
• Were you sexually abused? The National Sexual Assault Hotline, run by RAINN, is open 24 hours a day at 1-800-656-4673.¹¹
• Are the basics in place? Regular meals, sleep, a safe place to live and a few trusted contacts make everything else easier.

There is no rule that you must talk about the past to heal. Many people start simply by making daily life steadier.

3. Grounding: come back to now

Old memories can feel as if they are happening again. Grounding brings your attention back to the present and to your body. It is a common coping skill, but it has rarely been studied on its own.

1. Notice that you are being pulled back. Say to yourself, "This is a memory. I am safe now."
2. Name what you see. Look around and name five things you can see, out loud or in your head.
3. Use your other senses. Notice four things you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste.
4. Feel your feet. Press them into the floor. Notice the chair holding you up.
5. Slow your breathing. Breathe out longer than you breathe in, a few times.
6. Remind yourself of today. Say today's date, where you are and how old you are now.

Try the guided grounding practice or box breathing.

4. Emotion skills

Children learn to handle feelings from the adults around them. If those adults were frightening, absent or overwhelmed, you may not have had the chance. Emotion skills can be learned at any age.

Useful skills include naming feelings, pausing before you act, checking whether a feeling fits the facts, and self-soothing with your five senses. Our page on emotion regulation skills walks you through each one. The free Calm Plan helps you write down your warning signs and what helps. For deeper practice, see DBT emotion regulation skills.

5. Self-compassion

Many survivors are much harder on themselves than they would be on a friend. Research points the same way. A review of 20 studies found that people who were maltreated as children tended to have less self-compassion. The link was strongest for emotional abuse and neglect.¹²

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would give someone you love. It can be learned. A review of 21 trials with about 1,300 people found that compassion-based programs raised self-compassion and eased depression, anxiety and distress by a moderate amount. Most of the studies were small.¹

1. Notice the harsh voice. When you hear "You're so stupid" or "It was your fault," pause.
2. Name the pain. "This is a hard moment."
3. Remember you are not alone. Many people carry the same pain.
4. Offer kindness. Ask, "What would I say to a child who went through this?" Say that to yourself.
5. Use touch if it helps. A hand on your heart or arm can be calming.

See Self-compassion, try the self-compassion test, or practice loving-kindness.

6. Supportive relationships

People heal in relationships. A large review of risk factors for PTSD found that factors after a trauma, including lack of social support, were somewhat stronger predictors than factors before it.² That means support you get now can still make a difference.

• Choose one or two people who feel safe, and share a little at a time.
• Try a support group for survivors, in person or online.
• Spend time where you feel accepted, such as a faith community, class or volunteer group.

7. Routines, sleep and movement

Regular wake times, meals and activity can make life feel more predictable, which helps if you grew up with chaos.

Exercise can help too. A 2022 review of 11 trials found that exercise reduced PTSD symptoms by a moderate amount. It had a larger effect on sleep. More total exercise may help more. The trials tested several kinds of exercise, including yoga.⁴ Start small and ask your doctor what is safe for you. See Exercise for mood and Healthy sleep habits.

8. Body-based calming

Stress can show up in the body as tension, a racing heart or numbness. Calming the body can help the mind settle.

• Slow breathing, such as the cyclic sigh, and muscle relaxation are simple places to start.
• Mindfulness. VA and Defense Department guidelines give mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) a weak recommendation for PTSD. That means it may help. They found too little evidence to recommend for or against yoga.³

If closing your eyes or focusing inward brings up fear, keep your eyes open, keep sessions short, and stop if you feel worse. A body scan can be adapted the same way.

9. Writing about what happened

Writing can help you put words to experiences that were never spoken. The research is promising but mixed.

• A 2022 review of 44 trials with about 7,700 adults found that writing about trauma eased PTSD symptoms more than being on a waiting list. But writing about neutral topics helped almost as much. Writing programs with extra therapist contact did about as well as standard therapy, but that result was less certain. The studies had many weaknesses.⁵
• An earlier review found that structured writing therapy, guided by a professional, eased posttraumatic stress and depression compared with a waiting list.⁶

If you try writing on your own, keep sessions to about 15 to 20 minutes, and stop if you feel flooded. Write about your feelings and what the events mean to you now, not only the facts. Keep your writing private and safe. One structured approach, written exposure therapy, is done with a therapist. See Treatment.

10. Boundaries with family

You may still have contact with the people who hurt you, or with family who did not protect you. There is very little research to guide these choices, so trust your own sense of what keeps you safe.

• Options range widely. You might keep close contact, see family only in public places, limit visit length, stay in touch only by phone or text, or take a break from contact.
• You do not owe forgiveness. Some people find forgiveness freeing. Others do not. Healing does not require it.
• Plan ahead for hard events, such as holidays. Decide in advance how long you will stay and how you will leave.
• Get help planning. A therapist can help you decide what to say.

See Setting healthy boundaries and our healthy boundaries quiz.

Apps and online tools

The VA's PTSD Coach app offers symptom tracking and coping tools.⁸ In a trial with 120 adults, people who used it for three months improved more than people on a waiting list, although their final scores were not far apart.⁷ See Self-help for PTSD.

Common questions

When self-help is not enough

See a doctor or therapist if:

• Nightmares, flashbacks or feeling on guard keep you from living your life
• Low mood, numbness or anger lasts for weeks
• You drink, use drugs or hurt yourself to cope
• You have tried self-help for several weeks and do not feel better

Trauma-focused therapies are strongly recommended for PTSD.³ Our treatment page explains how well they work after childhood trauma. See Treatment for the effects of childhood trauma and how to find a therapist.

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.