Parenting with your own history of childhood adversity

Many people who had a hard childhood worry about one thing above all: "Will I do the same to my children?" If you carry that fear, it may be a sign of how much you care.

Here is the most important finding first. Most parents who were abused or neglected as children do not abuse or neglect their own children.¹ This page explains what the research shows, what helps families break the cycle, and practical skills for everyday parenting. It also has a section for grandparents raising grandchildren.

Will I repeat what happened to me?

This question has been studied for decades. The answers are more hopeful than many people expect.

• A federal research brief calls it one of the best-supported findings in this area: most parents who were maltreated will not abuse or neglect their own children. Estimates of how often maltreatment passes to the next generation vary widely, from 7% to 70%, depending on how studies were done.¹
• A 2019 review combined 142 studies with about 228,000 parent–child pairs. It found a link between a parent's childhood maltreatment and their child's. The link was real but modest. For physical abuse, it got weaker in the more carefully designed studies.²
• A 30-year study followed people with court-documented abuse or neglect in childhood. As parents, they were more likely to be reported to child protective services. But they did not report more physical or sexual abuse of their own children than other parents did. The authors suggest that closer watching by agencies may explain part of the difference in reports.⁶ Their children were more likely to report neglect and sexual abuse.⁶

So your history raises your risk somewhat, on average. It does not decide what kind of parent you will be. The brief also warns that agencies should weigh many factors, not treat a parent's past as decisive.¹

What helps break the cycle

Researchers have looked closely at "cycle breakers," parents who were maltreated but whose children were not.

• A supportive partner. In a U.K. study of about 1,100 families, mothers who were maltreated as children were less likely to have maltreated children when they had a supportive, trusting relationship with their partner.³
• Warmth toward the child. High warmth from the mother was another key difference.³
• A home without violence between adults. Low levels of partner violence also set these families apart.³
• Support from others. Emotional support from a non-abusive adult in childhood, and feeling supported as an adult, were both linked with breaking the cycle.¹
• Therapy. Mothers who broke the cycle of severe abuse were more likely to have had therapy at some point.¹
• Fewer money problems and steady discipline. Financial stability and consistent discipline were also linked with lower risk.¹

Cycle breakers in the U.K. study still had more depression and less social support than families with no history of maltreatment.³ Breaking the cycle is possible, but it is hard work. You deserve support while you do it.

Repair after mistakes

Every parent loses their temper sometimes. What matters most is what happens next. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests these steps after a real mistake:⁴

1. Wait until you are calm. Make sure your child is safe. Then take a few minutes to breathe, relax or call a friend. The AAP calls this giving yourself a time-out.
2. Apologize. Keep it simple: "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't okay."
3. Explain what you will do next time. "Next time I'm that upset, I'll take a break before I talk."
4. Keep your promise. Follow through, so your child learns your words can be trusted.
5. Reconnect. Spend a few warm minutes together, and start over.

The AAP notes that apologizing also shows children how to recover from their own mistakes.⁴ If you grew up with adults who never said sorry, this may feel strange at first. It gets easier with practice.

Discipline without harm

The AAP advises parents not to spank or hit children. It links physical punishment with more aggression and more misbehavior over time.⁴ It also says yelling, shaming and harsh words do not work well and are linked with more behavior and mental health problems.⁴

What the AAP recommends instead:⁴

• Give plenty of attention, especially when your child behaves well, and praise specific efforts.
• Set clear, simple rules, and explain them in words your child understands.
• State consequences calmly, and follow through.
• Listen to your child's side of the story.
• Use short time-outs when rules are broken, with a warning first.

If anger is a struggle for you, see Self-help for anger and build a calm plan.

Emotion coaching

If no one taught you what to do with feelings, you can still learn, and you can help your child learn too. Emotion coaching is a way of helping your child understand and handle their feelings. It treats a child's feelings as chances to connect and teach.

1. Notice the feeling, ideally while it is still small.
2. See it as a chance to connect, not a problem to shut down.
3. Listen and show you understand. "You look really disappointed."
4. Help your child name the feeling. "Are you feeling left out?"
5. Set limits on behavior, not feelings, and solve problems together. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. What could you do instead?"

Emotion coaching programs have been tested in trials. One trial included 300 parents of toddlers. Parents who took a six-session group program called Tuning in to Toddlers became less likely to dismiss their child's feelings and more skilled at emotion coaching. A year later, their children's behavior had improved more than in the comparison group. The children's levels of a stress hormone also dropped more.⁷

Working on your own emotion skills helps too. See Emotion regulation.

Evidence-based parenting programs

Parenting programs teach skills in a structured way, often with coaching. Several have been studied. The badges show how strong the research is (see how we rate evidence).

To find a program, ask your child's pediatrician, a family doctor or your local health department.

When your child's age matches your own

Some parents notice that old feelings return when their child reaches the age they were when hard things happened. A crying baby, a teenager's anger or a child's fear can bring back memories.

If this happens:

• Notice it. "This feels big because of my past, not just because of today."
• Ground yourself. Try grounding or slow breathing before you respond.
• Take a break if your child is safe, and come back when you are calmer.
• Talk about it with a partner, friend or therapist. Trauma therapy can ease these reactions. See Treatment.

Asking for help is a strength

Support from others and therapy are both linked with breaking the cycle.¹ Options include your child's doctor, a parenting class, a therapist for yourself, a support group, and trusted friends or family who can give you a break.

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-422-4453, is open 24 hours a day by call or text. Crisis counselors answer, and calls are confidential.¹⁰

Grandparents raising grandchildren

Many grandparents step in to raise grandchildren. In 2019, about 2.3 million U.S. grandparents were responsible for the basic needs of grandchildren living with them. More than half of them were still working or looking for work.¹¹

Raising grandchildren can be deeply meaningful. It can also bring up your own childhood, old regrets about your own parenting and grief about your adult child's struggles. The grandchildren you raise may have ACEs of their own. Everything on this page applies to you too: warmth, repair, emotion coaching and asking for help.

The National Family Caregiver Support Program serves relatives age 55 and older who are raising children under 18. Through local agencies, it can offer information, counseling, support groups, training and respite care, which gives you a break.¹² To find local help, use the Eldercare Locator.¹² See also Support for caregivers and Caregiver burnout.

Common questions

When to get help

Talk with a doctor, therapist or parenting professional if:

• You often feel out of control with your child, or afraid of what you might do
• You yell, hit or say hurtful things more than you want to
• Old memories or anger keep getting in the way of parenting
• You feel depressed, numb or overwhelmed most days

Education only. This page is general information written from the sources listed. It is not medical, legal or financial advice and does not replace a doctor, therapist or lawyer who knows your situation. How we write and check pages.